Trust Me, It's Paradise.

But the night tears us loose, and in the half light.. we're free..

2012-01-23T19:09:00.000-08:00

Hello! Sorry for another unintentionally prolonged absence.. 2012 is a busy one! Before I completely drown in the other 2 languages I have been using on a daily basis and forget how to write a decent paragraph in English, here is a mini post about my work with the Romanian designer Kinga Varga. She is the creator of many pretty things, and while this is only a preview and a behind the scenes looksie, stay tuned for the lookbook photos that will be released soon. We shot in the afternoon at Spiderhouse in Boracay, and ended with the most magnificent sunset shots.. My favorite kind of work to do, I won't deny it!

Other than that I have been jetting to and from Manila quite a bit.. long distance relationships can be such hard work and demand more than just understanding, trust and patience - and not to mention the emptiness my poor wallet has had to endure on a regular basis. But I won't deny that there is something special about constantly changing venues together.. especially when you have contrasting lifestyles. It's a lot of things, but boring, it surely ain't..

So excuse me while I recover from my last week of BBQ ribs binging, drunken toe smashing, retarded kite tricks practicing, beer bong drinking, asthma attack dealing and summer travels planning.. I am exhausted!

How is your 2012 so far?

Thank you Katia Kalyani for the behind the scenes shots ♥

Like every day's my last, this time runs extra fast..

2012-01-03T02:14:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!! ☮ ✌

I don't know about you but my 2011 verged on the ridiculously unforgiving. Its a wonder I made it through without committing murder, or arson.. It was like being stripped off my last bit of sanity. Luckily that's over, and 2012 finally offers us a hopeful glimpse at a clearer horizon. Since it's the year the Mayans have apparently predicted our doom, surely it isn't a bad idea to take this year by the horns and go at a race pace, fun loving, much dancing, loud laughing and life living.. to the maximum.. right?

As for me, I ended my turbulent year with lots of windy days, sickeningly perfect sunsets, a few sunrise moments, a kiss under the fireworks, one too many drinks and a French boy I adore. A couple of days into the new year and I am perfectly content counting my (few)pesos, making ridiculous travel plans, working my behind off and spending mucho time with friends who matter. When a breather from teaching is finally in order, I'm going to write my 2012 bucket list in the thickest marker I can find on a bit of neon cardboard and hang it on my wall for me to always see right before I jet out of the house and into the sun.. After all, there is still lots of wall space in my room meant for this purpose, right underneath my perfectly placed fairy lights..

How was your NYE? ☺

Your mind's pulling tricks now, the show is over so take a bow..

2011-12-19T22:44:00.000-08:00

wearing Zara maxi dress, RenegadeLovers clutch, Yosi Samra ballet flats

Every girl needs a pair of foldable flats that can fit into her handbag.. especially when you are a barefoot walking beach bum like me. On my last trip to the city, I received a little package in the mail, thank you Charmaine Palermo! I wasn't sure about the color at first, as it seems I have become somewhat of a color snob lately in my purchases, but after a few outfit changes, I realized it was a pretty versatile piece to have in my closet, and its comfortable beyond measure. These photos were taken on a day when I was feeling brave enough for my own version of color-blocking, and when I needed to wear my most balloon-like dress in order to fit all the food my girl Erica was feeding us with on her cooking show that day. More photos of that in the next post!

In other news, everything else sucks right now. It seems no matter what I do, December just can't be my month. I feel homesick to the Nth degree, I do more worrying than sleeping, and the stress makes me physically sick. Its exhausting. I wish I could teleport myself back home for a couple of weeks.. nothing like Momma's cooking to ease the heavy soul. For now I will settle for counting the days until my boy gets here.. at least he has offered to share his Mom with me. There's the silver lining..

Tic toc tic toc, December, go away!

The Little Pinky Store

2011-12-05T16:52:00.001-08:00

If you are into all things bohemian, handcrafted, pretty and affordable.. you have hit the jackpot. The brainchild of model and beach baby Ayla Gomez, The Little Pinky Store offers an array of adorable little pieces, just as its name would suggest. They are releasing a new collection soon, so I suggest you stay by the computer for first dibs.. there are limited pieces available which makes them all the more special and a must for all those looking for unique gift ideas for this holiday season.

Like TLPS on Facebook

Visit TLPS site

Happy shopping!

Sea and the rock below cocked to the undertow

2011-12-02T22:40:00.001-08:00

Apologies for the mini-absence!

I have been working very hard.. (as you can see in these photos) and haven't had the motivation to actually put together a post, so this time I will let the photos do most of the talking. I have re-routed my plans and decided to nest in Boracay for the winter season.. Kiteboarding started calling my name yet again, and who am I to resist such a siren call? I have started teaching it again and have to say, I surprised myself.. I didn't think I could go back to enjoying the scene this much again. I'm looking forward to a busy season, followed by some travelling if all goes well. I just moved into my new mini 3 bedroom apartment and all I can think about is how to feel more at home in my own little 4 walls.. yet again.

Right now I am back in Manila, for a little paperwork, a little shopping, a little high heels-wearing and of course some boyfriend time.. but for all those who asked, yes I will be in Boracay for the holidays so holler if you are in the area.

Proof that I work:

Not my most flattering photo face.. Haha! Photo by Boom Sason :)

What are y'all doing this winter?

Love, D

And this time I'm flamed, cold blooded in this, yeah you know my name..

2011-11-14T21:06:00.001-08:00

1. Sunrise.

2. Rain at approx. 1:11pm today. You can barely see the beach.

3. Water, Spanish assignments and 50% off on crepes at Ti Braz (Tuesdays & Thursdays).
4. Sunburnt, still. ;)

It's been a couple of days since I have seen the sun, but my mood is light and happy nonetheless. I started teaching kitesurfing again; (something I did in the rain today) and something I wasn't sure I would ever do again. I have to say, I'm surprised at how fulfilling it has been so far. I'm as busy as can be, and I am slowly coming to the realization that I must be in some way shape or form addicted to working, because now it has become more than obvious that my bouts of sadness really only have a chance of re-surfacing, when I am on a break. Breakthrough?

In a desperate attempt to summon the sun gods, here is a song I can't seem to get out of my head.

Rye Rye feat. M.I.A. - Sunshine

If I fall if I die, know I lived it till the fullest.. If I fall if I die, know I lived and missed some bullets..

2011-11-10T17:08:00.001-08:00

Out of curiosity, when I saw a show on TV about Life Path Numbers, I googled mine and had to laugh at the result. It's either, these "numerologists" are absolute geniuses and the greatest liars in the world, or there is really something to it all. My number came out as 7 and these were the last two lines:

"This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you."

I had to laugh of course, because I realized that it is one of the most accurate ways of describing me.. and man am I exhausted after having another day of lows. Sadly, I wasn't blessed with the virtue of patience, and nothing brings me down more than waiting for an eternity.. and then getting nothing. I guess it's all a matter of attitude, but it is also a very human trait to always want more. I get bored easily, and I want way too much for my own good. And nothing, nothing makes me spin out of control even more than being told that I should "be happy" because I have such a great life. Oh if only my brain would listen to me, because I know that my heart is more than willing to find happiness.

Tomorrow the wind is supposed to start and I can feel my hands beginning to itch. All I know is, when I tested the newest kites when they arrived a couple of weeks ago, I could have cried, being overwhelmed by all the pent up emotions of the lat 5 months. Being in the city had its advantages, but I felt like in the end, it sucked the juice out of me, and the "home" I was looking for, I could not find.

Maybe I demand too much from my life, but is it really so wrong to want variety, to seek adventure, to keep on dreaming? I know my life is far from normal. But maybe my way, is just my version of normal. And I'll be damned if I'll let anyone convince me that my version of normal is less valid than theirs..

wearing ION bikini and boardshorts

photos by Katia Kalyani

Leonard Magloyuan: "iplagiarize."

2011-11-05T01:35:00.000-07:00

Quick, bloggers! If you have original material, hide it!

I'm surprised to find out that the Philippine Inquirer hires "writers" like

Leonard Magloyuan.

Surprised because he has a nasty habit of stealing written materials from other bloggers. And because he so cleverly deleted my very polite comment on his blog, asking him to remove a very personal post he copied from my blog and published on his as his own, I guess I'm left only with the option of a public "plea" for some blogger "respect". Especially since I am only one of the handful of bloggers he is pirating from.

The word "original" on his shirt is a tad ironic, isn't it?

San Beda must be so proud of you!

Copy:

Original:

'Nuff said.

I'm wicked and I'm lazy

2011-11-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but a year without a real Halloween for me is a total waste of a year! So instead of spending the long weekend on a quiet beach, diving, and possibly rebelliously being the only person sitting on the sand in a full costume - we hopped on a plane to the only place in this country where you can really call Halloween a celebration - Boracay. Nothing compares to the mess, the human traffic, the random costumes, the extensive body make-up, the drunkenness and the absolute flamboyance of the local residents. Among my personal favorites were Alex DeLarge of A Clockwork Orange, Bjork's infamous 2001 Academy Awards swan dress, Jimi Hendrix, knocked up and boozing cheerleader, Reno 911 police officers, sexy slutty male nun, albino cannibal, Chucky from Child's Play and of course the grim reaper slash boyfriend (which I hurriedly ran through the sewing machine together with my nun habit) - who scared the living daylight out of the children on the beach.. some of them to tears. What a success!

The dress I wore is one of the skankiest things I have in my portable closet. It leaves no room for mistakes such as bending over and maybe even lifting my arms up over my head. I have only ever worn it once, and that was to an S&M themed party.........

What were you for Halloween, slutty or scary?

Don't you even try and explain how it's so different when we kiss

2011-10-18T01:43:00.000-07:00

wearing Forever 21 dress, trusty Zara heels & drunken smile

I know what it must look like but I promise I havent been partying that much... okay I take it back but there isnt much else to do here. Manila has proven itself to be some kind of concrete cage for an island baby like me. My last trip to the island didnt really knock my socks off but thats understandable considering that all the European party-heads hadnt found their way back yet. Now I can feel my hands itching for what I call "ADVEEEENTUUURE" and my mind is spinning wildly with the announced arrival dates of the kite-brigade.

I have been obsessing with how I might be able to get my life under control, and finally become a "grown-up" as I was told the world is expecting of me. This mystery of how to evolve into something so unfamiliar in my book has become the bane of my young existence.. and months later I have decided to dust myself off, flip up my middle finger and just be who I know myself to be. Maybe I am one of those who will one day be devoured by her sheer refusal to live in the so-called "real" world. Maybe I will regret running barefoot for most of my adult life and laughing at expectations and paying the world in hugs and smiles. But right now, maybe just today, or maybe for the rest of my life, I'd like to think I don't care. For as long as I can wear flowers in my hair and dance in the rain..

LOOK Magazine Anniversary Issue

2011-10-13T01:47:00.000-07:00

Get a copy now!

I know I have no good excuse for being a lazy ass blogger, but believe me, I only do it to spare you the boring details of my turbulent mind. Its not like I don't have enough photos to post, so maybe I'll just go with less words for a while..

How is everyone in blogland? You are all very silent, but my post views speak volumes!

Bisouuus

A sigh digs you out when you're getting too deep

2011-10-05T22:20:00.000-07:00

There isn't much to say about a night shooting with 3 souls as creative as these girls. We were shooting for the anniversary issue of LOOK Magazine, and when we heard who else was going to be in the issue, Erica and I joked: "OH! So we MUST be the "creative" group" considering we were being bunched up with socialites and the like. It was great fun shooting with the LOOK team, I wolfed down pizza and buffalo wings while being chased around by my poor makeup artist who had to keep reapplying my lipstick, chit chatted with the ladies about how blogging brings the most unexpected changes into our lives and laughed until my cheeks started to hurt.. leading the photographer to helpless giggle at the whole scenario. I swear I am usually more professional than that, but when you shove me and Erica into a room full of lights and cameras and ask us to pose, there is no way I can contain a snigger here and there!

So yeah, life is still kicking my butt to be honest but my mood these days has been a tad better. I try to entertain myself with what I have, play silly computer games like Sims 3, watch old seasons on "How I Met Your Mother", eat lots and lots of instant noodles and daydream about the day when things will start looking up. Sometimes we forget how fortunate we still are, having the things we have, material or not, and its important to always remember that.. Its a struggle for someone of my state of mind sometimes, but I demand credit for trying! One has to be commended to trying..

The other night I attended the anniversary party of LOOK Magazine and I swear I have some photos of the fashion show.. next post, I promise! There was a new designer competition, with a 3 month scholarship in London as one of the prizes for the winner - to be honest I didn't agree with the chosen winner, but it was a great display of young local talent. If only I had that much patience to actually join a competition like that.. Seriously, why is it so hard for me to be inspired?

Vicky Herrera's blog is http://www.victoriaherrera.com/

Rachel Le Roux's blog is http://thecreativediaries.blogspot.com/

and Erica Paredes' blog is http://gourmetkitschen.tumblr.com/

Tell me what you know about dreamin' dreamin'..

2011-09-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

Last Monday, the lovely Roxy from Roxy ;) invited us to the first Roxy/Quicksilver store in the Philippines.. I had never been to Nuvali and couldn't pass up the little day trip to Laguna for a little playtime. It turned out to be quite the chill Monday!

First we got a little tour of the store which I have to say is pretty rad already, my favorite piece of decor being the floating surfboards on the ceiling. We messed with the clothes and played dress-up for a little while, goofing around the store all bright-eyed and excited at all the merchandise. The bikinis are amazing this season, and I went home with my own Roxy bikini swag - a turquoise & coral scale print bikini, while Ikee opted for a backpack - quite possibly the first ever backpack she has ever owned.. hahha.

After lunch at Sumosam, we had to suspend the chit-chatting for a while, because our brains would only carry a conversation so far.. I'm pretty sure I told stories while half asleep. Not quite sure if I made sense at all.. totally blaming the crunchy tuna rolls for that one! Thanks Roxy!!! Will definitely stop by again soon.. and I'm excited for the upcoming kiteboarding events in collaboration with the brand :)))

Meanwhile, it's like life has come to a still stand for me.. waiting sucks in itself but when the waiting involves major life changes, the nerves often have a hard time catching up. I'm lucky if I can spend the night snuggled up in my nook, safe from my thoughts and drunk on love. But most nights these days are interrupted by sneaky nightmares, sudden awakenings and then taken over by this thing called my brain. If only it was easier to make a decision, stick with it, and regret it as little as possible.

But I guess they don't call it a quarter-life crisis for nothing.

You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall

2011-09-03T20:36:00.001-07:00

Photos by Denise Tolentino (more photos on her blog)

If my absence has become blatantly obvious, I'd like to explain by saying, sometimes life brings you down to such a degree that words fail even an emotional writer like me. Everything becomes a kind of nothingness, a collection of feelings, thoughts and memories, but once I try to bring myself to vaguely verbalize a sickeningly simple summary of my life.. I draw a blank.

I wish tears could turn into words, maybe then I could find a less exhausting form of release. Quadruple shots of Rum at dinnertime isn't really doing much in making me forget, and the obviously excruciating "same time, same place" last year recollections are enough to drive one to the brink of all things bad. I guess I have somewhat accepted that I just am one of those people.. I feel everything with such intensity that the simplest emotions become a ride to hell, or heaven for that matter. No matter how hard I try, nothing can be suppressed into something more bearable.. if its happy, its a blindingly bright happy.. if its a sad, its the gateway to the longest tumble down a cliff. Such is life, when you are walking in these shoes of mine.

They do say, "Enjoy life to the fullest." What's that all about anyway? Does this mean I am halfway on the right track? Sometimes it seems like the only way to survive this eternal weather change is to lock one's heart away, never fall, never care, and therefore never cry? Is being jaded and withholding the only way one can be assured that we don't get plowed over by all our emotions? I envy those who can be indifferent and cold.. maybe they have it all figured out, instead of playing a sad copy of Sylvia Plath's persona, chasing one momentary high after another and crashing all the way to the bottom of the universe each time around. My girl friend says, we are addicted to pain. Could it be true? But if I was so addicted to it, why do I wish for the world to end each time I have to succumb to it?

I'm so tired I just want to stay asleep.

Kiss me till you're drunk and I'll show you

2011-08-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

wearing DIY Calvin Klein denim shorts, Topshop bodysuit, Suzy Shier blazer, Zara heels, Forever 21 clutch

I wish I had more time to blog these days, but when I'm not too sleepy to do anything, I am too busy to do anything.

Also, since I'm planning to move soon, it seems my daily routine has been taken over by the obvious planning, the endless paperwork, the spending-time-with-friends, partying (separate from spending time with friends) and my favorite activity of all time; eating too much for dinner and passing out mid-movie. Such is life when one is stuck in Limbo-land. In an effort to sweeten the waiting period (and God knows waiting, is my least favorite of all activities..) I have decided that dressing up and drinking up should probably top my priority list.. Especially when its just us girls. And with that, we smeared on the lipstick, slipped into the highest of all high heels and marched straight out and into the tapas + vino haven that is Barcino. Seriously, a Spanish feast, 4 bottles of wine, a loud ass car ride, a bottle of Belvedere, ledge dancing, Patron XOs and Brazilian boys later, I was on my way home to my man in what could only be politely described as a drunken stupor in all its excellence. In my defense, I paid for it majorly.. I didn't make it to work on Friday, hungover and sickly, but even that didn't hold me back from BBQing and hitting the clubs all over again on Saturday night. Except this time around, I topped my night off with a huge plate of chili cheese fries.. Before you judge me, let me just blame it all on the brownies................

Three Way; Dane X Women's Health

2011-08-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Get a copy of this month's Women's Health! You know you wanna! <3

Thank you Ana Kalaw & Lara Parpan!

She's juicy and she's trouble; she gets it to me good.

2011-08-01T20:01:00.000-07:00

"You should be dancing.." by the Bee Gee's is the only song I can associate with this post. (I know I am about a month late, but bear with me..)

When my dear friend Earl asked me to join them for the Preview Best Dressed Ball, wearing Mark Bumgarner, there was no doubt about it, I had to go. My excitement took off even more when I came in for a fitting and saw the pieces.. I was floored. I initially tried the dress with the mesh skirt (the one that eventually went to my girl Ikee) - but when I slipped into the bodysuit and the most amazing palazzo pants ever created, I knew that was it. We joked about pulling a Lady Gaga, i.e. without pants but I didn't think the press could handle it.. and considering we made a quick stop at McDonalds between the party and Republiq, it was probably a good decision, ultimately. I had not danced as much in a long long time, and what else but Drag Queens to serve as an unstoppable mood elevator? The night was perfect. Wined out and my hair a birds nest of hairspray and smelling like the club, I kicked my heels off as the sun went up and barely had time to pull my fake lashes off before I became dead to the world.

Nights like these are what remind me of all things good in my life. Last Sunday I spent a night in with the same people i made the dancefloors unsafe with that night and it was nice to just stay in, watch one movie after another and drink lots of wine. Unconditional love is something we expect mostly of our families, but it is something we can ultimately find in good friends. When you are in and out of relationships, you sometimes have to ask yourself if any love is consistent at all or if it all has the potential to blow up in your face and prove itself unauthentic. But when you find a connection like I have found.. the only right thing to do.. is go out there and dance.

♥

Dane, Ikee and Luisa are wearing Mark Bumgarner & RenegadeLovers clutches (Dane & Ikee)

Special thanks Earl Semitara, Mark Bumgarner and my girl Eunice Lucero for the invitation.

PS: If you are looking for long black dresses to go dancing in, then there is a great selection at www.ellos.co.uk. Check out the website to find out more information so you can view the clothes on offer.

But will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun..

2011-07-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in all our lives when we have to re-evaluate the direction we are going. Most of the time, this all happens in our mid-twenties. Lately, I have been asking myself the same questions over and over again.. driving me to the brink of absolute insanity. My family has expectations, goals they have set for me. Marry, have a child, settle down.. give up my life. I cringe at the thought of it all. It seems the older I become, the more I know what I do NOT want out of life.

I, for instance, do not want to marry out of convenience, or because it is expected of me, I want to marry out of love. Undying, undeniable, head-over-heels, cant-live-without-you love. I want to never hold back my feelings, and run free, and live, most of all, I want to live. I don't want to fear mistakes I can learn from, I want to attempt the impossible and lose myself in my thoughts and daydreams. I want to change my mind, until I get it right, and then again, when I am bored. I want to travel and see and learn and laugh. But most of all, I want to fall in love, over and over again.. with places, and people.. and maybe the same one person. Over and over again.

Last night I was looking through the thousands of photos I have been tagged in on my FB account, and I felt my heart crumble. I didn't think I was going to get here so soon, but I miss my old life. I wouldn't want it back the way it was exactly, not now, not ever.. but I miss some of the experiences I was able to enjoy, and the people I was able to meet and come to love. I especially grieve for the loss of my kite-life.. it was good to me but was not a perfect fit once I grew a little older and maybe none the wiser at all. The times I stood on a podium, the costumes I wore, the beers I devoured and the winds I felt gushing through my hair.. People always say to me, "You are so lucky to have lived that life, and to be the person you are.. You are this.. that.." and I never see it. My heart is insatiable.. But I cant deny that the last 6 years have almost felt like a mini-movie. "The girl who danced barefoot and rarely slept." or something of the sorts.

I guess ultimately, change is good, change is necessary. We need change.
This is my attempt at embracing change. Complete with panic attacks, excessive drinking, denial, paranoia, plan-B-plottings, doubt, distractions, over-indulgence and lots and lots of sleepless nights.
Hey; they don't call it a quarter-life-crisis for nothing.

Photos by Allyssa Heuze who now has a blog ♥ [shot in the summer in Boracay - extra points for the one who can spot the big blurry lady ;) ]

PS: My Formspring is back up and running!

I told you I was trouble, you know that I'm no good..

2011-07-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

What a rollercoaster! I need a breather, someone step on the brakes!

These photos were taken two Saturdays ago, at Jean Hill's fashion show at Fever Luxe Lounge at the Sofitel. The hair and makeup was amazing, bold and feminine, lashes to death and hair braided in sections and then bunned at the nape. Jean made me a different dress at the last minute, so i wasn't prepared for how sexy mine was gonna be.. I should have hit the gym first! I swear, I didn't breathe much that night.. hahha.

Her clothes are not sewn but braided, knotted and woven together. Its hard to describe, even for myself.. you have to see it in person. The seamless fit almost molds the dress to your curves.. and then just drapes. Everyone looked amazing in their outfits and although almost naked, I felt comfortable, much thanks also to the help of a little double sided tape..

I can barely find the time to blog, I am always either tired, hungover or on the brink of an anxiety attack. I have quit (for the Nth time!) my disgusting smoking habit.. 3 days and counting, but my withdrawals are making me nervous and sleepy at the same time, if that's even possible. Only a little wine and lots of fried rice seem to help and long long walks.. at the mall. Sale season is beckoning me to sacrifice myself and my financials - at a constant rate. Now that I think about it, I should probably just stay away from a mall, yes? It is lovely that I have reignited my flame of a love for this thing we nonchalantly call "footwear".. but I fear this time around it will drive me to starvation.. I will become a skinny girl who loves wine - and has pretty shoes. Sounds like a plan.. no?

wearing (after show) Forever 21 lace shorts, vintage bodysuit, Zara platform heels

Photos are by:

Jun Reynales
Eddieboy Escudero
Allen Ros
Melody Gonzales Lucson

Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare

2011-07-06T02:57:00.000-07:00

wearing borrowed black bandage skirt, Forever 21 pocket tank, Parisian wedges, Forever 21 leopard bag

First of all, yes I knowww I am on my phone for most of these photos.. but do I at least get a free pass if I'm texting with someone on the other side of the world? At this point, I am practically married to my iPhone. He is reliable and always on time and surprises me with little messages. Yes, its that bad.

I do recognize that I now qualify for the "most distracted blogger award" if there is such a thing. I dont even have a good excuse.. I have just been partying a little too much. My heart is pretty heavy these days, and I guess the endless socializing offers a cheap distraction to all things morose and draining. It seems like we are all fighting battles within ourselves and sometimes slip and fight off the one thing that was good and right. I wonder if we are all getting wiser as we get older or if we are all just getting jaded and hardened. Some of the things that used to make my day just make me cry and I question every aspect of every decision I make, over and over again until I can almost feel my brain bleed. My heart breaks every day and at any given moment, and I have no idea as to why.. or how I can prevent it from happening. Some days I wake up and wish myself far away where nobody knows me, nobody questions me or expects anything of me. But what I cant make up my mind about is; when we are backed into a corner by life, should we stand our ground and push back or run away and wait for the horizon to clear?

I guess I'm just tired and need to reboot.

"Give in to lust, give up to lust, oh heaven knows we'll soon be dust.."

2011-06-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

wearing tube top worn as skirt, random mustard tank, Monki bra, Billabong sweater, vintage boots, Headware headband, Forever 21 bag

Where does one begin to tell their story when they are in the middle of the ultimate curves on the rollercoaster ride of life? I can sit through my day thinking, what a bore, here I go again, same thing every day.. but it really isn't. Every day seems to be changing something significant in everyone who means something to me. Maybe it is the age I am at. We are all hustling, learning, loving, fighting for something.. People are struggling, trying, crying.. dying..

Yesterday I found out that a girl I had met last year at the Sinulog festival in my home town Cebu, was found in her apartment, three days after she hung herself from her door frame. She was in her twenties, and scrolling through her Facebook profile yesterday, I remembered that she was such a pleasure to be around. She was light-hearted, bubbly, funny and incredibly warm. She seemed to have it all.. money, the looks, was well travelled.. And yet. She was apparently so lonely, she chose to take her own life, causing a wave of guilt and confusion around her. The news caused a discussion amongst girls. It seems, we have all been there, we have all wanted to give up at some point in our lives.. My point arrived when I was 16, had just broken up with who I thought was someone I "loved" and was suspended from school for fighting back when 3 girls decided to jump me during P.E. - for dating one of their ex boyfriends. But now, 10 years later, remembering the consequences.. none of it was worth it. So we had to ask ourselves.. what Is it that ultimately pushes people over the edge like that, and how do we avoid ourselves and others from reaching that boiling point?

Everything has become so serious these days, and at this point, I don't know if I would still possess my sanity if it wasn't for my girl friends. No matter how heavy life becomes, I always know there is that, and if for nothing else, I have the unconditional love only true friends can provide you. One of my bestest, Paula, was leaving to attack a new strategy to life, and live out her new adventure on the other side of the world, and we finally caught up, spent time together and goofed around with a bunch of cameras all over the mall, drank wine in the afternoons and infiltrated the local salon for mini-makeovers. She is a trooper, and I will miss her massively.. and she is an admirable pillar of strength. This one's to us, babe!

We were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days

2011-06-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew how to make sense of life sometimes. Like a speeding bullet doing spirals around me, it is so hard to follow and even harder to control. I find myself stopping, shutting my eyes, trembling in fear, not knowing at which point I will be hit, but I cannot run from it, I cannot hide, it is there, it is crippling and it turns me into a cowering mess of emotions. Life.

The only thing in life that is constant is change. You either sink or swim, but either way, you cannot stop the change. I crawl to the edge of reason, and peek over it, clutching to my sanity, praying I don't stumble and fall.. and lose myself completely. My heart is heavy, saying goodbye to places, people, habits, routines.. you learn to love what you have and then when it is gone, you wonder. Why?

It is a question you will ask yourself over and over again in life. You can choose to be ahead of the game and choose bravery and embrace all things that come your way. You can say, "I did my best.", wipe away your tears and start anew. Or you can let your blind refusal get the best of you.. we all have our ways of coping. Your heart will be heavy over and over again, but as long as you realize, that life is a constant cycle of change, you will see clearly, you will be prepared for every bit of change that comes your way, and you will find your way through that storm. You have to believe that you will find a rainbow at the end of it, because cliché or not, in my world of hurricanes, each and every time I have been swept away by the torrential rains and floods of my existence, I have always found my way out of the darkness, and back into the clarity of the light.

Every night I wonder who do you dance for?

2011-05-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

My eyelids are falling as I type this. The last few weeks have been a continuous hustle.. and on top of packing 5 1/2 years into boxes, garage sale-ing and considering logistics, I still have work to worry about. It seems like the light at the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be found and sometimes, amidst regrets of leaving my island life behind and the wishing I was as far away as possible, I find myself schizophrenically jumping for joy and wanting to bawl my eyes out. The exhaustion is getting to me. My mental capacity can only wrap itself around all things work and socializing at work. I am like a dead battery.

I would write more sense if I only I was capable. The move is both exciting and terrifying. Some days I wake up asking myself if I am making a mistake. Other days I wonder, why I am still here. The only way I am coping is by shutting my eyes and just braving it all. But I am sure when I get to the city, someone is going to have to hold a box of tissue near me at all times. For I fear I shall some day drown in my own self.

These photos are proof that my summer has been mostly work and not much play. I'm not sure I even had a hangover! I did the ETC show with Nisha and Paula and then both Solara shows.. I'm in love with their swimwear. Go get yours now! Also, doesn't Marc Nelson look hot as a chick? The Boracay Bound show was sponsored by Republic, and although we were the last team to fit, we still managed to plow over the other teams. Go Team Seair!

Now for some rest. I shall soon find that light at the end of my little island tunnel. So soon!

Love and light your way! ✮

She made my heart beat in a now-now time signature

2011-05-10T03:50:00.000-07:00

wearing SOLARA SWIMWEAR Malachite High Waist, Melanite Monokini & RAYBAN Aviators

My summer seems to be a series of survival challenges. The tropical storm last weekend proved to be a bit of a tough one to get through, health wise. On Friday we started our yearly "Boracay Bound" - an event sponsored to the nines, attended by celebs and supermodels, who get down and dirty and so silly things like run down the beach tied to each other and then pull all-night-intoxication-acts, only to wake up much to early and do it all over again the next day. This year, I played for the same team again, Team Seair led by my friend Marc Nelson of course, my second year in a row playing on his team.. what happens when you mix two people as competitive as us? Lots of shouting (Marc) and cussing (Dane). Whatta team!

In the finals we were joined by my girl Sandra Seifert, who is also one half of the design team behind the brand new swimsuit line SOLARA, her other half being none other than the gorgeous, and newly married Maggie Wilson-Consunji. I was lucky enough to model for their first two shows, and got to choose two pairs to keep. I'm mad about the high waist bikini, which hides all sorts of tummy issues, and the monokini is a classic piece. Get yours at www.solaraswimwear.com.

One of our prizes for winning 1st (again!) was a pair of RayBan sunglasses.. I was lucky enough to get the pair I really wanted; the classic Aviator. Definitely worth the obstacle course in the heat and then playing volleyball and ultimate Frisbee in the rain.. also almost worth my persistent colds! Photos from the awarding night fashion show hopefully in the next post!

Yes, I'm a beast and I feast when I conquer

2011-05-06T03:45:00.000-07:00

wearing Calvin Klein high waist shorts, vintage scarf used as belt, RenegadeLovers zipper bandage top, Forever 21 bag & ram ring

If you came to spend Holy Week in Boracay this year to get smooshed to death, stand in line to get into a party or watch a sunset blocked by what seemed like a million people, then you could not have been disappointed. On the brighter side, I got to catch up with some old friends, saw Nina Sky perform live, drank lots and lots of free booze, was ushered into the BigFish event minus the hassle and still managed to find my way home - without having to fight my intoxication. Yay me!

Ive been sick for a week now but that doesn't dampen my spirits.. I am trying to enjoy every last bit of my final month as a resident of this island. By the time I leave, I will have been here for circa 5 1/2 years.. It hasn't all been sunshine, wind and sunsets, I have also survived quite a bit of rain and your occasional mind-blowing typhoon. Both literally and metaphorically. A lot of people have asked me where I will go next, what I will do next.. to be honest, I'm not sure. I have made plans but as we all know, sometimes things don't go according to our plans. I am just trying to enjoy whatever it is I was blessed with, and there are some days when I feel like a complete asshole for yammering about this and that, only to watch others around me struggle with more profound debacles. Therefore I have decided to pull myself up by my imaginary jockstraps, enjoy alcoholic beverages at sunset time, learn to appreciate what is in front of me, carelessly wear feathers in my hair and cut the word "regret" out of my vocabulary. Lets just see how long this sudden surge of positivity lasts. ♥

Wait for the summer.. we'll sleep when we wanna..

2011-04-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

A quick post about sunsets, Eden, hats, shoes, tequila, temporary tattoos, giant headphones and twin cameras! LEE rocked Boracay all over again, in neon, loud and happy. My good friend Earl forcefed me too much of the Cuervo (bad, Jose!) and eventually I bumped into him on the beach where I was mobbed and slapped with a tattoo of a rather voluptuous female in a slinky red number (rawrr!), topped off with a LEE baseball cap (yay!) and sent on my way with a promise to check out the BigFish event on Black Saturday. Eden just arrived from a what sounded like a bit of a torturous trip to the island, so we did touristy things like take sunset photos and squeezed our way through the crowds before I decided I had enough and went back to work - not the best idea, if you are trying to "hide" from the crowds!

Now its weekend #2 and I am all over the place, trying to resume my yoga practice in between work, packing, sleeping, drinking, lots and lots of eating and a fitting and rehearsal for this weekend's ETC fashionshow. Help!

Read Eden's blog and add LEE Jeans Philippines on Facebook!

Oh and if you haven't already, follow our brand new review blog!

THECANDYRAVER ♥

If you're going to be spending some time on a beach, or somewhere warm, then sandals are a good bet for your feet. K and Co has a great collection of sandals for you to check out by visiting the site at www.kandco.com.

I hear footsteps in the dark when you hijack my heart

2011-04-22T05:15:00.000-07:00

wearing Forever 21 cut-off pocket tank, The Landmark black shorts, DIY leatherette & feather headdress, Bershka feather necklace worn as bracelet & Forever 21 tribal shoulder bag

Instead of posting the Manila photos that have been clogging up my iPhoto, I decided to fast forward and post something more festive for now.. and what could be more festive than a cowboys-&-indians-themed full moon party at Jungle Bar. Decidedly sick of my sullen mood, I found that neon feathers had a very healing effect on my poor fashion soul.. if you know me by now, you would know that any theme including Indians is a definite must-do for me. I even showed up at the last full moon party in what ended up looking like an Indian costume.. (the theme was "Outer Space" by the way - go figure..) I also destroyed a leather skirt to turn it into two pairs of loin-cloths for my girls Maffi and Nisha, who were the stunning indo gogo-dancers. Hawt! DJ Doomi didn't disappoint as per usual, and it was good to have DJ Surf back from Singapore. My only complaint (BIG complaint) was that the drinks are way overpriced! 250 pesos for a Jack Coke, I thought I was dreaming!

Meanwhile the island has turned into a sea of people, a buzzing flurry of drinking, eating, laughing, shouting human beings.. If I could have it my way, I would be hiding at my house, headphones on, watching a french film and sipping chocolate milk. The upside is, I get to catch up with friends I haven't seen.. and by catch up, I mean, sip lots of cocktails and dance to amazing DJ's. Tomorrow Nina Sky is performing, and I will be in the front row, drink in one hand, camera in another, feathers in my hair and a temporary high in my heart. Yay me!

This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on

2011-04-14T04:42:00.000-07:00

wearing random white wifebeater, Zara silk top, Forever 21 ram ring, Gina Tricot bangles, Boracay markets necklace

Overwhelmed with the response on the last post, I questioned if I had made the right decision in posting about it. I have gotten endless inquiries about whether or not this happened in Boracay and if I think the island has suddenly become unsafe for tourists. A meager amount of reposts from my local friends was unbearably unsettling, and I feared if I had offended anyone or jeopardized our tourism by openly speaking about my story.

The truth is, this could have happened anywhere, it doesn't matter where you are, this can happen to you too. No I do not think that the island is suddenly unsafe, but I think that sometimes, we forget how vulnerable we can be out there, on our own, as females. My experience should not be a deterrent to go on vacation, it should serve as a reminder that we also need to be aware of the dangers out there that we could possibly face. Before this incident, I knew these stories only from hearsay, the news and movies. I naively figured, I have been here 5 years, I have walked these streets for that long, and I have done it drunker than a skunk and nothing has ever happened to me. Well folks, if it wasn't for all my false confidence, I would probably be writing about something cheerier.

I am planning my next big move, something I have considered for quite a while now. I am finally leaving my little piece of paradise. I embrace all the lessons it has taught me, and treasure the wonderful people I have met and come to love. This last month here will be emotional and dreadfully confusing, but all good things must come to an end, and in life, we must keep on keeping on. Ultimately, if I have learned nothing else, I have learned that not only can you turn dreams into reality, but also turn your reality into a dream. And with a mindset like that, there is no need for you to ever really leave the paradise you have built within you.

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids.. Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs..

2011-04-10T05:49:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, I was attacked on my way home from a bar. We had a few drinks because a friend was leaving, and I made the silly decision to walk the last 200 meters home alone. It was about 2:30am, and I remember, saying bye to my friend.. and regretting it instantly. I had only gone a few meters before I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up - I felt like I was being watched, spotted. Like a deer in the woods. I pulled it together and walked a little faster, hoping I was being hit by mere paranoia. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't even tipsy, but at this point I felt dizzy. I looked around and didn't see anyone, so I just kept on walking, hoping the feeling would subside, praying my mind was playing tricks on me. Then I heard footsteps. Hurried steps, like someone couldn't wait to reach their destination. I looked over my shoulder, terrified of what I might see. A shadow was moving towards me. My instinct kept telling me to run, as I turned the corner into a dark alley. But it was as if my legs wouldn't carry me. My legs felt soft, like a hindrance, like I couldn't lift them, heavy with fear. Blinded by my tunnel vision, I found myself maybe 30, 20 meters away from my house. I kept on walking, but my curiosity prompted me too check what was behind me again, although I really didn't want to know. About a meter away from me, a man was walking as fast as he could manage. I am convinced he saw the fear in my eyes, as I looked at his face, desperately trying to remember what he looked like, and preparing myself for the worst. He looked me right in the eyes and said, in a forced friendly tone: "Hello, how are you?" before I felt something at the back of my head and realized that this mans intentions were all but friendly. He threw his fist into the left side of my head and hit me on the ear, leaving me breathlessly screaming in shock - my instincts kicked in and I threw my own fist towards him and hit him on the cheek. He yanked at my hair and I stumbled, almost losing my balance and in the faint light, I saw something shimmer and realized he was holding a knife to my side. My blind fury must have taken over because at this point I don't know what exactly happened next, all that I could think of was that there was no way I would allow myself to become a victim without everyone in the neighborhood hearing me. I screamed as loud as my lungs would allow me to, cursing him and shoving my hands in his face in an effort to not give him a chance to get anywhere near my body. He hit me in the head repeatedly, seemingly hell-bent on knocking me unconscious. At some point I must have struggled with him pretty hard, because later on, I discovered I was holding his broken watch in my hands. I would not go down without a fight, knife or no knife. I wanted to tell him to take my bag, to take everything, but he showed such little interest in my belongings, that I had even forgotten it was there. Eventually, he must have decided I was causing too much of a scene, and he fled, after he had cut the strap off my bag and given me another shove, finally knocking me down. I got up and stood there, as stunned as I was pissed off and it wasn't until then I realized what had actually happened. I remembered the knife and how close it came to being jammed into my side and I broke down. I was on my knees when I noticed another man standing near me, nonchalantly looking at his cell phone and as I begged him for help, he seemed to look right through me and kept on walking. Everything around me seemed to turn dark and I felt myself going numb, not knowing what to do next. I heard a window open and a familiar voice call out asking me if I was OK, and I managed a weak "I was mugged" and buried my face in my hands, falling apart by the second. I felt naked, vulnerable and drained. I cried.

The next day at the police station, as I was giving my statement, a police officer who was listening, approached me and said, my case sounded very much like a case they had in January. It was an attempted rape, and the girl managed to get away, but not before being beaten to a pulp and struggling to keep her clothes on. She walked into the police station without her undergarments on, bleeding and scared to death. The man had also greeted her before he physically assaulted her. And it happened in the exact same place; 20 meters away from my house. No guard came to her rescue, and if anyone heard her, they turned a deaf ear to her screaming.

Today I heard about a girl who showed up at one of our kite schools, naked. The story circulating is that she was drunk, and had been attacked by 5 men and raped.

I know this blog is supposed to be about all things pretty, but I want to get real. This could happen to anyone, anywhere. Two weeks later, and I still struggle to find my strength to do the everyday things. When I walk in the dark and a figure comes near me, It is enough to make me want to start running. And when a stranger greets me on the streets, I start shaking, amidst flashbacks of what happened on that night. I hate having to admit feeling weak, but I don't know what else to do. If my speaking out about this matter can bring awareness and therefore protect others from becoming victims, then I will tell my story. Do not walk home by yourself at night, especially after you have been drinking. No matter how familiar a path is to you, you can never be too careful. Carry mace in your hand, as you are walking, and avoid carrying valuables in your bag. If you see a street in your neighborhood that is dimly lit, speak to someone who can do something to change that. Make noise, start a movement. Fight back. Too many people turn a blind eye thinking "What difference does it make?" It makes me sick to my stomach. Why wait until you yourself or someone close to you becomes a victim? Use the voice you were given.

In two days I will be back home. "Dread" doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about that.

Photos by Denise Tolentino, taken days prior to said night.

I found another beat, there's no time for sleep

2011-04-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

Photo by: Walk the Earth pictures: Joncy Sumulong / Alf Molo

wearing Forever 21 skinny jeans, Weekday skull tee, H&M leopard wedges, Zara studded bucket bag, Gina Tricot Bangles

After an unprecedented pre-party happy hour, Paula and I hit the anniversary party for Stoked Inc. at the Rockwell tent, to show our support to my favorite surf store. JV and Mumph were part of the group that first taught me how to wakeboard a good 7 or something years ago, and it is them I have to thank for awakening my inner water rat, eventually leading me to kiteboarding and surfing and turning me into a fiercely loyal Billabong hoarder. Stoked Inc. is responsible for single-handily causing an outburst of local interest in all things watersports, before others could catch on to the trend, and continue to hold their own in a growing scene - 10 years, cheers!!

The open bar was overflowing with Absolut Vodka and Chivas Regal, and in a drunken haze and after a quick stop at Barcino, we found ourselves at M Cafe, but by that time I could barely even muster up the energy for a drink.. knowing I had to be up at 5:30am to beat the morning traffic and meet an important client at 8am. I'm convinced I was still intoxicated enough to sing to myself in the shower before I fought my way through the giant pile of clothes on the floor, shoved my feet into a pair of boots and gingerly tiptoed out of the house and climbed into a cab. Determination helped me dismiss my hangover for enough hours, with the help of two bottles of Red Bull until finally, in the late afternoon, halfway through gnawing my way through a Santi's sandwich, I rolled over and blurred the lines between delirium and la la land..

Stoked Inc. can be found in Rockwell Powerplant, Trinoma, Bonifacio High Street, Mall of Asia, Alabang Town Center, The Podium, Gateway Mall & Greenhills Shopping Center

Junk jump off too much time for old beats, cold beats, I'm just cold meat

2011-04-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

As our tropical summer is fast approaching, I am fiending more and more for the cold. Missing the mild climate isn't the only thing I miss from being back in Europe.. My birthday carried a bit of a nostalgic undertone, having my family on my mind and not being able to share my day with them. This last weekend was just about as close as I'll get to spending quality family time with my extended family. Saturday night I crashed and burned, accelerated by my main man Jack and topping it all off with death in a shot glass.. Bacardi 151. All while enjoying what comes off as the Filipino version of the Pussycat Dolls prancing around a club with an indoor swimming pool. These girls grind like its nobody's business, all while avoiding the ever feared metallic bikini wedgies. They're pros, I tell ya. Sunday in contrast was nothing but mellow yellow. We drove up and away from the city to arrive at a house smelling of barbecue and the most amazing adobo you will ever have.. and lounged and played wii and card games until it was time for us to get dressed to attend a birthday graduation dinner before we finally got home to my hangover kicking in double time to the point where I barely even come up with the energy needed to get myself ready for bed. T.K.O.

Because the photo-traffic on my iphoto has started to spin out of control, I figured It was time to post these randoms from my trip to Sweden. Seriously, there aren't many things in the world as enjoyable as drinking a milkshake in the snow.. OK maybe shopping for vintage hats in a store that seems to be getting bigger and bigger as you walk through it.. or rolling around the snow drunk on red wine while clumsily trying to build a snowman. AlIright I guess there are quite a few things as enjoyable, but I gotta say, any activity involving a milkshake tops my priority list pretty easily.

Something like a phenomena, baby, you're gonna get your body off..

2011-03-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

wearing The Landmark black shorts, Mom's vintage silk shirt, Parisian wedge, Forever 21 leopard clutch

My birthdays usually consist of all sorts of shenanigans on sand and around coconut trees but this year I took it back to the concrete jungle. The days building up to it were tainted by an incident I wont elaborate right now, but will only describe by saying that it left me in pieces; shaken and lost. I hopped on a plane and even then, knowing I was somehow running away from my problem, I still felt on the verge of a minor collapse, only comforted by the thought of being near loved ones within hours. I decided I would not let this dampen my spirit.. its been a challenge but I was perfectly successful in putting my grief behind, even if only for the weekend.

After a major house party, the struggle of getting through a hangover, a quick visit at Mercato with my girl Erica and a nap I didn't wanna get up from, we went to what has quickly become my favorite joint in the city, The Balcony, to meet friends for drinks. Opting for something other than deliriously wasted youth drawing obscenities all over their drunk friends and unplanned cake fights, I had invited only a handful of people.. enough to cover a couple of long tables, and help me drink all the vodka and tequila that Christine graciously provided. I reveled in the conversations and hugs that I shared with people I truly cared about, and it was everything I could have hoped for. I guess I'm coming to the realization that quality indeed trumps quantity.. in other words, I must be growing up. And to be honest.. I have never felt so young in my life.

Oh and PS: on my actual birthday, I got a surprise and got to do this ♥ :

Hello, world!

2011-03-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

Untitled from Sarah Meier Albano on Vimeo.

Shooting all weekend for a super special project with the two lovelies, Sarah & Erica. Somehow we got to talking about the kind of feedback we have gotten from our readers, asking for advice, sharing their stories or simply thanking us for inspiring them. We, in turn, are inspired to share the lessons we have learned and are continuing to learn. If you ever felt any self doubt, feel lost or chronically unhappy, this video is for you. :)

And for all the readers who have emailed me telling me that they are too shy to start their own blogs - do it! You never know who you might touch with your words and photographs. Express yourself!

Follow Sarah:

@sarah_meier

sarahmeieronline.com

sarahmeier.tumblr.com

And Erica:

@ericaparedes

gourmetkitschen.blogspot.com

loveandlashcurlers.blogspot.com

Follow me on Twitter: @renegadelovers ♥

This is a gift, it comes with a price, who is the lamb and who is the knife?

2011-03-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life just takes over! This past week has been beyond busy, I have barely had time to breathe and there is a growing pile of dishes in my sink.. Help! We just wrapped up this season's KTA Boracay stop, yet another week filled with the kind of insanity only kiteboarders can provide.

We:

✔ hosted the welcome party at the 7 Stones over amazing food, free flowing drinks and waving flags, ours or other's ;)

✔ sashayed all over Summerplace in surf wear by ION, North & Billabong after consuming a rather large amount of pizza over hair, makeup & manicures.

✔ gambled the night away via Blackjack, Texas Hold'em & crab racing.. all for a good cause - raising funds for the Philippine Team.

✔ danced shamelessly with wings on our backs and drinks in our hands while celebrating my favorite fairy child's birthday..

✔ cheered furiously for the winners at the awarding night - female winner of the tour (in freestyle) is Japanese Aya Oshima, and we held a minute of silence for the victims of the latest tragedy to hit her country.

Which brings me to the conclusion of this post. It was extra hard for me to find the strength to come up with any kind of post. While the photos clearly deserve some airtime, everything these days is clearly clouded by all things worrying in the world. If you have a TV and a soul, you have probably been grieving with the rest of the world over the ruthless lessons mother nature seems to be wanting to teach us. People dying all over Japan, washed away in their homes and vehicles, buried under rubble and debris, crushed under buildings and lost in the sea of all things unrooted and uprooted - its heartbreaking and humbling at the same time. We are realizing how minuscule we are compared to the earth's furious forces, how little we know, and how little power we have as human beings. We often forget those things in our daily life, blinded by our feelings of superiority, a false sense of entitlement and pure ignorance. Its a trait we cant blame ourselves for having, we are just built that way, but if nothing else, an event like this should at least make us more aware of life as it actually is, precious, fragile and temporary. Its at times like these when I regret being so far away from my family, but it is my only regret - I live my life like every day is my last because sometimes Its so good and I'm so blessed that I think, it cant possibly go on like this forever. We should all take a good look at what we are and what we have, and be grateful for all things we have been given and allowed to experience, and the people we are able to love and know, instead of complaining about the things we do not have and were not able to enjoy. The importance of life and love is often so overlooked and taken for granted that devastating images of people looking for their dead relatives under the rubble is sometimes the only thing that can jolt us back into reality.

Life is like a candle's flame, swaying in the darkness. Temporary and vulnerable.

Love your families and be grateful for love.

*Most photos are mine own except for some by Alexandru Baranescu for the KTA, Joseph Boquiren for Sports Unlimited and Christine San Diego ♥

With the moon I run far from the carnage of the fiery sun

2011-03-04T15:22:00.000-08:00

wearing Forever 21 skinny jeans, vintage sweater (Mom's), jacket borrowed from my little sister, H&M tube shawl, gloves & fur hat, Zara studded bucket bag & vintage boots

My last day in snowy Sweden was spent driving down to Stockholm to do some last minute shopping. As suggested, we passed by a giant (by MY standards) H&M, Weekday, Gina Tricot and Monki. Thank you, the best readers in the world for making suggestions. I didn't do too much shopping, but I bought a pair of round sunnies from Weekday and a shirt, some bras from Monki and random knickknacks from H&M and Gina.. I made up for it by raiding the supermarkets for sugary treats like Bilar, Marabou and Kex.. Sweden didn't disappoint! We also passed by Beyond Retro, which is an absolute paradise to vintage fiends - I nearly got myself lost in clouds of petticoats and piles of hats. We rode the subway back and forth too, paid to use the public toilet where each stall had a heater of its own. Sick. We visited the viewpoint by the harbor and took more photos before we decided to flee into the warmth and comfort of Laura's apartment - which is where we got trashed on wine and then decided to clumsily build snowmen that resembled our boyfriends. Lets just say they looked nothing like them, except for the clothing items we managed to style them with. Logically, because last time I checked I wasn't going out with someone who has a jalapeno nose and twigs for arms.

I will have to save all the other photos for an extra post, Sweden was lovely, thank you my Paulina for being the hostess with the mostest and showing me around - looking forward to eventually stopping by in the summer for picnics, music festivals and green country sides.

The last few weeks on the island has been nothing more than a backbreaking mix of yoga, kiteboarding and work. With the exception of the usual skyping with loved ones, a dip in the ocean or two, trips to the (depressing) supermarkets and the odd occasional visit I get at work from a variety of characters, my social life has become a thing of the past. Almost 3 weeks of no days off (by choice, I know, weirdo..) I am looking forward to the weekend - little unplanned visits are good for the heart, and the soul! Ive become so picky with the company I keep, I have literally managed to reduce my circle of trust by half. Maybe its the very real threat of growing another year older in a few weeks, or maybe I have just hit my limit with the unauthentic, and grown doubtful of people's abilities to change. Its like being on the outside, looking in. Observing the ways some compensate for their loneliness with attempts to "love" and "be loved" by as many people as possible - even if its only on a shallow level - like on a social networking site.. lost and unaware of the fact that everyone is watching, pointing, laughing..

PS: My baby sister has a blog! Show her some love ♥

Maybe our heartache never dies with the hot night crash

2011-02-17T03:17:00.000-08:00

wearing H&M maxi dress, Amisu leopard coat, vintage boots

I'm way behind on posts.. I know! But before I dive into a different fashion season, I have a few more winter posts to show. Last month, I took a quick weekender to Sweden to visit a girl friend of mine. I made the discovery that haircuts are expensive in Sweden, and therefore Swedish boys have pretty hairstyles, Bilar candy is awesomest when its the sour variety, I have an extreme dislike for liquorish, macaroni & cheese makes for perfect hangover food, Bacardi Razz + sparkling water is delish, Swedish bands are sick and McDonalds at 3am is a total mobscene - where a beer-goggle semi-handsome middle eastern guy tried to pick me up while waiting in line for our BigMacs.

Lately Ive been thinking a lot about friendships and their authenticity. People have always said I'm some kind of social butterfly, and I guess in the end, its the professions I choose and the places I live in that expose me to a wide variety of personalities. Throughout the years I have always struggled with female friends. At times I had many of them, and occasionally I would allow myself to be sucked into a circle, a gaggle of girlie girls and the results would more often than not, be disastrous.

Maybe I'm an easy target. I don't like to go for group manicures, I don't squeal when I see someone I love and jump up and down like a lunatic, I don't proclaim my love for my friends publicly, and every 2 hours, I don't need a clique to survive or justify my importance. Friendships should be effortless, you are either friends, or you aren't, its that simple. You shouldn't have to prove yourself on a regular basis, you should be able to talk about anything and expect the truth.. right? Based on my experience, it is precisely those who claim to be such amazing friends, who turn out to be complete nightmares in the end. Chances are, they don't even know what friendship is about. Its about being honest and real and actions and not words. Its about unending respect, for you, your friendship, your life, your friends and your relationship. Empty words and overestimated promises mean nothing to me if your actions say the complete opposite. And excuses are just a pathetic attempt at saving face and continuing the pretense.. all in fear of losing potential friends and maybe one day having to stand on their own.. excuses are an insult to my intelligence and I hate feeling insulted. So really, at the end of the day, if you feel betrayed by a so called friend, cut them loose. They will never change, and you will never forgive yourself for wasting so much time on them. I would like to tell you that there is good in everyone, maybe there is. But be sure to double check before you trust anyone in your life with anything that means something to you, especially if it has anything to do with your heart.

XOXO

Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark..

2011-02-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

Mango V-neck sweater, RenegadeLovers maxi skirt, Vintage leopard jacket, Zara studded bucket bag, H&M hat & Dunnes shoes

Back to my daily grind. Okay not grind, I get a lot of shit from my friends who live in the city - "You cant possibly be stressed on the beach!" Well I got news for you, its possible. Especially if you're foolish enough to party a little two hard, two nights in a row (during the week, no less). Add a bottle of Aguardiente de Orujo - Aguardiente literally translates into "Firewater", you catch my drift - a half empty stomach, plastic cups as shot glasses, a little too much disco dancing, way too much brain dancing and all this at a Playboy Mansion themed jungle party. The results are; the most detrimental headache of the century, a seemingly developing ulcer and a mental note full of desperate regrets. You may judge me, for I myself am judging myself.. which leads me to the only solution my bruised party spirit is capable of dreaming up: I'm officially quitting drinking. For a month. So to all future Boracay visitors.. if you catch me anywhere sipping something served in a rock glass, feel free to tell me off. In fact, please tell me off.. and then maybe we can laugh about it and do a round of Jaegerbombs together. Kidding!!!

Luckily I love my job, so this tiny mishap isn't getting in the way of my happiness. Again, if you are on the island this summer, come visit me at Ti-Braz. Its located near boat station 1, we serve the best crepes known to mankind (50% off on Tuesdays!) and have most comfortable beach beds on the island. Yes I know, why do I ever complain about my life? We also have a twitter and a tumblr where I will unleash my new found obsession.. food shots. Yay me and good luck to your diets.

These photos were taken on the day before I left for Sweden. My Mom and I wandered around the city, ended up at Marbella Beach Club where we had a picnic on the pier, walked down the promenade to Puerto Banús and ended up shopping for sweets at Hipercor.. her clutching my camera like a weapon and snapping away all day long. I now understand why I have such an addiction to cameras. Really, hanging with my Mom explains so much now.. I also secretly blame her for my inclination to Häagen-Dazs ice cream.

XXX

Time runs a marathon, I need to carry on like every day's my last..

2011-01-24T03:34:00.000-08:00

wearing random denim cut offs, thrifted knit assymetrical pocket tee, Zara studded bucket bag,+ boots, Republ1c tortoise round sunnies

Sunny winter days in the south of Spain mean bare legs - well, only while the sun is out. By 7pm I was freezing my buns off. But ultimately it was worth the extra airtime my skin got, I'm so not used to being so bundled up. We walked around Fuengirola, hit a Dunnes store (fave bargain shop), ate German sausages + potato salads at the best Video bar on the coast, did a grab & buy at the local Bershka and took home an entire cart of groceries on the way back.. the kids at my house are a hungry mob. They can be calmed down quite easily though, that is, if you have a bag of Jamon Serrano + Brie on you.

I just got back from my month long holiday and still have loads of photos to upload from both Marbella & Sweden. My flight seemed like an eternity, but Ive had a pretty perfect last few days to say the least, and my jet lag has not yet tried to ruin my life. The only complaint I really have is that the humidity is turning my hair into a birds nest. The sheer horror is so unbearable, I will spare you the evidence. Sleeping too much probably isn't helping either but hey.. I'm still on vacation.

♥

So you act, so you feel, so you are..

2011-01-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

wearing TopShop shorts, Forever 21 opaque tights, baguio markets leg warmers, Zara boots, RenegadeLovers Ma-long bag

Im way behind on the posting, but I just have so many photos to post.. and no time to do so! These photos were taken a couple of weeks ago when my Mom and I decided to go to downtown Marbella and do a little shopping. The sunset was awesome and we ended up (as usual) at a supermarket. My new favorite past time is grocery shopping.. mainly because of the ridiculous amount of yogurt choices and the taste testings at the deli counter.

In 4 days I will be home and Im excited to see some people I have missed like crazy.. but for now I am in Sweden, sliding on icy roads, getting drunk on Bacardi Razz, disco dancing in a maxi dress, riding in cars with boys, standing in a massing McDonalds line at 3am, mac-n-cheese hangover remedies & vegging out in front of the TV wrapped in a fur blanket. Tomorrow we head down to Stockholm for a little shopping and to maybe build some snowmen and name them after boys.

Thanks for the emails & shopping tips for Sweden. Will make sure to check out Monki & Weekday ♥

And even though I can't be sure, memory tells me that these times are worth working for..

2011-01-11T02:55:00.000-08:00

wearing Forever 21 skinny jeans, thrifted plaid shirt, Amisu leopard coat, Terranova leggings, Converse chuck taylors, vintage bag

Plans, plans, plans. My head is close to exploding. The weather is wonderful outside but I am at home in my pajamas, hair wrapped in a towel, and my heart full of gratitude. I have had more than enough time to think on my vacation, and cant wait to get back to work - too much downtime can kill braincells - and god knows I have not many left. Ive been blessed beyond measures these last few months, Ive rebounded like no other, and I am counting counting counting my endless blessings. Family to me is more important than life, and it goes hand in hand with love.. love above all. My holidays were filled with so much love, enough to make my heart burst..

Im in a last-few-days-scramble to pick up little gifts before I get on a plane to Sweden this weekend - I figured I couldnt leave without freezing my ass off in the snow, and I absolutely could not turn down my Paulina's invite.. I cant wait! Ive never been to Sweden, have you? What to do, what to do?

X

PS: For those asking, I am still in Marbella, Spain. These photos were taken at the mall.. Spanish sunny day sunsets are bomb!

How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

2011-01-09T16:54:00.000-08:00

wearing Forever 21 jeans, New Yorker bodysuit, DIY cross necklace, bag, jacket & boots stolen from Mom & Sis ♥

Dinner with the entire gang means watching the littlest ones run around barefoot in the sand at what was an average of 15 degrees, borderline embarrassingly exaggerated movements in front of the camera to satisfy a click-happy Mom, choice encounters with seemingly alcoholic (or bavarian) giant penguins, the discovery that frog, after all, really does taste like chicken and that a greasy chinese meal is best followed by an aperitif like a limoncello or a sambuca with floating coffee beans.

Its past my bedtime and after a whopper of a homemade steak meal, my sheets are so soft they are turning even my braincells to mush. With the way I'm eating, I can only hope my holiday weight gain will stay at 0.8kg.. honestly, doubtful.

Rrrrrrebajasssss, yes!

2011-01-08T02:41:00.000-08:00

I've come to hate shopping for myself.. hooked on vintage shops, any kind of standard retail shopping has become a little too self indulgent for me. "But it is an exception." my Mom insists.. of course she is right. So under her encouragingly watchful eye, my sister and I proceeded to do a bit of damage during the post Christmas sales. First stop was H&M.. the rest was a blur. All I know is, I ended up with some pretty loose tanks, a hat & the perfect daytime leopard wedges from H&M, my new favorite pair of black chunky heels & studded bag from ZARA, maxi dresses & a wallet from TopShop, a warm scarf & gloves for next week's trip to chilly Sweden, a Tokidoki makeup bag and finally, an eyelash curler. (You must know that I have a lash-curl-phobia, since I chopped off my lashes with a shitty one, months ago) Sephora to the rescue? And those mini perfume sprays make for great gifts for my 1000 girlfriends.

More enjoyable that shopping for myself, is shopping for gifts.. its like the best thing in the world. My only problem is, I dont know how to stop.. leading me to spending almost half of what went out the window yesterday, on others.

Best purchase? Penguin socks from TopShop. Uh... I'll explain another time! hahha ♥

Want you to take me like a thief in the night

2011-01-06T00:32:00.000-08:00

wearing TopShop dress, KT Kate Torralba fishnet stockings, Zara booties, gifter vintage jacket & vintage Chanel

Leave it up to my brothers to plan the most elaborate NYE celebration I have had in years. First time I partied in heels too.. in 6 years! We booked a table at Funky Buddha, a 6 liter bottle of Belvedere, several bottles of Champagne, a shisha & cigars. The Marbella nightlife is so different from what I am used to but being with my 3 brothers, 2 sisters and their friends was a joy. I witnessed a verbal altrication between two groups of spanish girls in the bathrooms, two of them wearing tutus which added even more comic effect. A random unattractive man in his maybe mid 30's thought my derrière was a self service buffet and went in for a little grab while I was clamoring to push my way back towards our table.. If there had been more space, and I had not been wearing ankle-breakers, I might have smacked him upside the head but in my alcoholic haze, everything just seemed like too much of an effort. After a minor dramatic scene before we made our way home, we were greeted by my mother with offers of breakfast and soup.. she's pretty much the coolest Mom around. The night didnt end before a round table discussion while the sun was rising.. about the poor guy who thought he could harrass my little sister in front of all her older siblings, about how some guys cant wait to get a bathroom and why we need a hobbit protector in our midst. All in all a very happy new start to a hopefully happy new year!

How did you start your new year? ♥

So we burst into colors, colors and carousels

2011-01-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

wearing vintage dress, bag & shoes, forever 21 opaque tights, scarf & hat, thrifted pin-stripe blazer

Im way behind on posts.. these are from last week when I went ice skating with my family. I laughed so much until I was dizzy.. My little brother has zero balance, and my little sister and I were trying desperately to keep him on his feet, which was futile. He was clinging onto the sides and insisted on trying anyway until he was able to stand on his own - for like 3 seconds. You have to give him props for trying!

Today is 1/1/11.. what a date! Last night's party was insanity. Wait for the photos in the next post.. to make the story short, we had a 6 and a 3 liter bottle of Belvedere & a few bottles of champagne. My hangover should have been pretty harsh considering how much of the champagne I practically inhaled.. but we came home to my Mom making us breakfast while the sun was rising & ended up discussing the night's events in details and giggling at the most random stories before I headed to bed almost completely sober but exhausted - hence; zero hangover. Yessss.

★

I am neither breather nor speaker, I am neither walker nor sleeper

2010-12-29T00:07:00.000-08:00

wearing thrifted cut-offs, random belt, Forever21 ribbed tights, gray tank & scarf, Zara blazer

Its kinda fun to have a little sister who is so close to my size. We have been clothes swapping since I arrived.. makes my fashion a little more exciting, having a new wardrobe to raid. We went to Puerto Banus to meet my brother and then proceeded to the department store where Mom and I did what we do so well these days.. shop for groceries. On the way, she played paparazzi, much to my delight and to my sisters annoyance.. haha. She ended up buying me a cute coat and lots and lots of Jamon Serrano.. dieting has just not been on the agenda. Im psyched for the sale season and making a little list of who to buy for.. its gonna get pretty hard core once everything gets slashed. Im gonna bust out the flats and dive into the madness headfirst. Looks like the camera is gonna have to wait.. I have some serious clothes shopping to do.

A few nights ago, I went out to meet some of my schoolmates who I have not seen in 10 (!) years. I dont know how it is possible, but the entire night I just felt like I was back at 16, because not much has changed. Everyone is still as chill as I remember them.. and picking up where we left off was one of the most gratifying and surreal experiences ever. We ended up at a club in a slight vodka haze, where I got my dance on.. all in all, a pretty perfect week back home, exceeding expectations by a mile. Yay, Marbella.

♥!!!

Todos los dias son dias de fiesta

2010-12-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

1. Shopping with Mom ♥
2. Red Velvet cupcakes for my family.
3. Goofing off with my sister's fur hat & my Santa shirt.
4. Sitting around the fire in the evening is the best way to survive the cold.
5. One of our cats, Gizmo. He has a permanent glare which makes him even more adorable.
6. Christmas cookies baked by my baby brother.
7. My little sister Sabrina and I wearing all Mom's vintage, except for my maxi skirt, which is RenegadeLovers.

Christmas back at home has turned out to be all I could have asked for. So far, its been loud conversations at the dining table, massive trips to the supermarket (feeding 6 kids is no cheap feat), inter-sister clothes swappings, mouthfuls of Jamon Serrano, watching my baby brother Bully rip it on the wii with the Michael Jackson game, yogurt overdoses, reunions with high school friends after 10 (!) years and realizing the difference between the Manila & Marbella clubscene. In two days time my sister Liv arrives from the UK with her family.. adding to the beautiful chaos we already have at home. And If I was informed correctly, there is a table and quite a bit of booze waiting for us on New Years Eve.. guess its good I started stretching my drinking muscle last night. Now all I have to worry about is what to wear.. and how to survive my predictable (and traditional) January 1st hangover.

Happy Holidaze!!!

★

♥ ♥ ♥

You can feel her from the palm that you’re holding on your arm

2010-12-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

vintage jacket, TopShop pocket skirt, Forever21 tee & tights, SM dept store scarf, Converse chuck taylor's & my little sister's vintage bag

Sorry for the extreme absence.. I couldn't post much in the last week or so because I was getting ready to surprise my Mom with my homecoming.. to Spain! So yes I am currently in Marbella after a long journey which thankfully didnt leave me stranded in Amsterdam due to the snow, like some of my friends. Inter-continental flights are best when you have a sweet flight attendant with a cart full of booze, and are sitting between 3 scandinavian men who have similar theories. After an 8 hour layover in freezing Barcelona where I witnessed a huge fight between a russian couple, bought a simple sandwich for 5 euros and a gang of cute spanish boys with fur hats tried cheesy pickup lines on me, I knew I was no longer in the Philippines..

We took a video of my Mom's reaction after I jumped into her bed at 10am, still smelling like airport Im sure.. Classic! Im loving every second I get to spend with my siblings.. and cooking with my Mom. Tomorrow, cupcakes and ice skating are on the agenda. Life is good.. and these holidays will to be amazing.. my sister Liv is heading down here with her entire family on the 28th and my brother has already reserved a table for us at a club for new years eve. This one's gonna be one for the books ♥

PS: Cant wait for Rebajas (sale) season.. ;)

PPS: What did you all think of the Lanvin ♥ H&M collection?

The cold heart will burst If mistrusted first.. And a calm heart will break when given a shake..

2010-12-06T23:37:00.000-08:00

Photos by Allyssa Heuze

Too often do we waste time on the unimportant. We judge others when we feel judged, we jump to conclusions, we accuse each other of things our own paranoia fuels us to think, we say things that can not be un-said, we neglect those who need us, we turn our backs on those in pain, we scrutinize, patronize and take each other for granted.

Sometimes I wonder, do we sometimes not realize that those we claim to love the most, are those we also hurt the most?

The problem is, we forget that everyone is hurting, and that maybe they're just not talking about it. Just because someone says "I'm OK" or "It doesn't bother me" or "I'll be fine", it doesn't mean we can dismiss their case as nonexistent. Some of those who put on their bravest faces, are those who suffer most immeasurably. Pride gets in the way of showing their pain, and those around don't realize that this doesn't mean the suffering has diminished, but that it might actually be at its most excruciating point. Not everyone can talk about their feelings, some of us also get tired of feeling sorry for ourselves or are afraid to share and look like a pathetic wreck, or impose on others. We arrive on this earth alone, and we will all die alone. True. But you can suffer your pain and heal on your own, and end up with less scars when you know someone is there to hold your hand along the way.

Some people are "happy" with their lives and therefore refuse to "allow" someone who isn't in a good place to rain down on their parade. That's fair. Who wants to suffer when they don't have to? Who wants to watch someone suffer? It isn't easy to sweep in and be strong for two or even more people. We are only human. We are strong, but we are weak. We are different, but we are all the same. And in the end, we are in this race and on our own.

I sometimes ask myself if I am being tested. For each level of pain that I pass, my reward seems to be more pain. Most of the time, its hard to appreciate the lessons taught to you by bad experiences.. but how else will we learn? We rarely learn from good experiences, especially if we are continuously blessed. You learn to be humble when you crash and have to pick yourself up off the ground. You learn when you are exhausted and you lash out and you ask yourself questions, the why, the how, the why me? I asked myself, why was I blaming others for my pain? Why was I not taking responsibility for how I was feeling? Was I being ignorant and expecting too much from others who might be suffering as much or even more than I already was? I felt like a child, nitpicking on details and over analyzing life, thinking I knew more than I really did and I thought, I'm pretty sure someone has felt the same kind of despair I am feeling, because of something I did to them. We are all born hypocrites, we cant help it, we don't know any better, but maybe if I was aware of what I was putting out there, I could stop myself before I inflict any more pain on anyone - especially if I don't mean to.

So the conclusion to the lessons I have reluctantly learned in the last half year are going to be a jump off point for my new years resolution. I have lost so many loved ones this year, too many, and many around me have lost their loved ones and it makes me wonder: have we told them how much we loved them before we lost them, or were there unresolved issues that could have been fixed? I never want to have to ask myself that question again. And so no matter what happens, and even if I get hurt in the end, I will always, always tell people how I feel about them.

When you love someone, tell them. You might never get a chance to do so again.

When you are angry, express yourself. Write a letter, speak to friends. But don't accuse blindly, don't let your insecurities get the best of you. You might make a mistake you can never undo again.

When you are sad, don't be afraid of it. Emotions are what make us human, and happy or sad, we should never deny ourselves what we are feeling.

Cry. It cleanses the soul.

Write. Even if its only to yourself.

Don't take anything for granted. Nothing in life is permanent. Don't wait until you lose something or someone before you realize how much it/they meant to you.

Stop judging others for their mistakes. Work on correcting yours.

Enjoy what you have and share it. Everything in life is even better when you can share it with someone, anyone.

Forgive those who have wronged you. If you harbor grudges, you are only hurting yourself. There is nothing you cant forgive.

Laugh. Even if this means indulging in a corny spoof movie or getting drunk and laughing with your friends. Its the ultimate band aid for the heart.

Be honest. With others and yourself. The truth might hurt for now, but a lie can ruin your life.

Dream. Dream big. And don't ever let anyone convince you that you cant have what you dream to have. Only you know that. You have to believe you can achieve something, or you might as well stop dreaming altogether.

Don't take anything too seriously. Everything will pass eventually.

Love your family. Blood is thicker than water and they will love you even when the whole world turns their back on you.

And lastly, and most importantly, learn to love yourself.

Nobody is perfect, and nobody will ever be perfect. You can only be the best you that you can be. Don't try to be someone else, don't envy someone for what they have that you don't. Look in the mirror and see the good, dismiss the bad. Don't be so hard on yourself.. learn so you don't make the same mistakes again. And if you do, try again. You have the rest of your life to better yourself, you owe it to yourself to at least try. In the end, we only have one life.. if you're going to live it, live it like you mean it.

When you have accomplished all these things.. teach me how.

Someone said true love was dead, and I'm bound to fall, bound to fall for you..

2010-11-26T00:43:00.000-08:00

wearing Carbon one shoulder mini dress, Aldo pumps, vintage Chanel bag & gifted Forever 21 peacock earrings

In my last minute trip around the country in search for answers, I stopped in Manila and went on a date with my beautiful wifey - if you need a distraction, nothing is better than an array of 500 wines, a buffet, 5 inch pumps and a Jaegerbomb-thirsty group. We came, we saw, we were photographed and we conquered, albeit slightly (!) intoxicated towards the end. My circle of trust is solid these days, and they all contribute to being amazing distractions. I can feel the love without having to hear it being said to me, or having it posted on my facebook wall. Its pure and old school and authentic, just the way I like it. I'm lucky despite all my troubles, and I'm happy despite the pain.. its really an oddly satisfying feeling, having your eyes wide open despite sitting in the middle of a tornado. Buckle up and just go with it, you cant stop a storm, so you might as well learn how to survive one.

It seems, whichever direction I look, someone close to me is going through a tribulation of their own. For everyone's sake, I'm just begging for the end of this year to come.. we all need a clean slate, a fresh start. 2010 was a major year of change for me, but I harbor no ill feelings.. I have not felt this much like my own self, and felt this comfortable in my own skin, in forever. Sometimes we get so comfortable being the person we think the world wants us to be, we lose focus and become somebody else. We can go on for years thinking we are happy being that other person, and the disappointment in the end becomes almost unbearable, when you realize how much time you spent denying your soul to flourish, and choosing to imprison your emotions like a caged bird. By no means should we regret the time we have spent in search of ourselves, even if we steered off the obvious path.. everything serves its purpose in the end, and experience should not be regretted, but welcomed. You only have now, so take it and make it yours.

X♥X♥X

For so bare is my heart, I can't hide.. and so where does my heart, belong..

2010-11-17T21:51:00.000-08:00

They say, "When it rains, it pours."
Well folks. My life is beginning to resemble a natural disaster. While partying with a trio of drunk care bears, I received news of the passing of my stepfather. Those who know a little about my past are aware of my tumultuous upbringing - nonetheless, he was a father figure to me, and I will miss him and treasure the few great childhood memories I have allowed myself to remember. I have always fought to protect my family from any trials, and if there was a way for me to suffer through all the pain for them, I would do it without blinking an eye.. so the level of helplessness I am feeling right now is enough to break my spirit continuously, and on an hourly basis. I haven't cried since the night I have received the news, its like the tears wont come.. like Ive finally run out. After months of crying over a broken heart, a failed relationship, a sudden death, financial dilemmas and missing my family, mercilessly followed by bouts of depression, self-doubt, anxiety and blatant fear - this family tragedy serves as an unnecessary proverbial cherry on top. One more reason for me to wish for 2010 to be officially over.

Ive reached a point, where I have run out of straws to grasp at. I have decided to stop taking the wheel, and to let life drive me for a while. I'm absolutely debilitated. I have turned to Xanax for a little help, so I end up somewhat breezing through my days without the risk of feeling too much. I can feel my exterior crumbling, while those close to me struggle to put me back together piece by piece. Without them, I would descend back into that black hole.. right now I'm just floating.. and hoping that all the good changes and love will be powerful enough to defeat the seemingly never ending heartbreaks..

PS: Some photos courtesy of Christine San Diego, the rest are mine.. [photobooth much?]

You've got a mouthful of diamonds and a pocketful of secrets

2010-11-10T02:09:00.000-08:00

wearing vintage bodysuit courtesy of Mom, fishnets courtesy of Honi, tube top worn as bandage skirt, Aram Loe striped jelly booties & DIY top hat

So.. I get that this is probably the most delayed Halloween post ever? But life has been nothing short of hectic.. in some ways good, in some not so good - but those are easily survived with a grain of salt - just like cheap tequila. Since my last post quite a few things have happened. I have settled into my new job (which I love!), have opened myself up to something so scary I never thought I was going to even attempt it ever again, and I have gotten into yet another disagreement with someone from my not so distant past.

The thing that irritates me beyond belief, is how no matter how happy you end up being after a shitty breakup, there are days when the mere mention of his name can make your skin crawl, and tears well up in your eyes. I guess its a reflex, its not something we can avoid.. if your feelings for this person were sincere, it means you have allowed yourself to be vulnerable to things related to him. You opened yourself up and let someone in. You shared your soul with someone. When that ends, it isn't a rarity to find yourself with a gaping hole in your center.. you feel broken, incomplete.. I always describe it like a drop-kick into an open heart - it can kill your spirit in split seconds. I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason and have meanwhile reaped an unimaginable amount of benefits from the split.. and I thank god every day for it. Every day allows me to heal a little more, my past seems more and more like it was somebody else's life, and maybe its better that way. Realizing that the person I was at the end of those 4 and a half years wasn't really me anymore, was a big wake up call, and getting to know myself more and more every day - all over again - is an exciting adventure in itself. I'm grateful for so many things, and so many people in my life, old and new.. besides, I'd much rather be broken over and over again, than too scared to allow myself to be consumed by love.. over and over again..

♥♥♥♥♥♥!!!!!!!

PS: My costume is supposed to be Zatanna, but I was too lazy to explain it to those who asked.. so at the end of the night I just nodded anytime someone pointed and called me a magician. Hahha.

You've got pains like an addict, 10am automatic

2010-10-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

wearing Oysho bikini bottom, JCrew striped shirt, random peace flag sunnies

The rain has been falling incessantly since last night, when I almost didn't make it to my spa appointment (thank you, Body & Soul!) and came home drenched down to the bone. My new kitten, Luna, has been having one nervous breakdown after another and insists on crawling into my shirt for comfort. It turns out I'm a little allergic to the little lunatic, but I refuse to give her up, so its all anti-histamines for breakfast.. Luckily my asthma has not been triggered, so it isn't serious, but I really miss the days when I didn't have an itchy nose and red eyes.

My wifey arrives today, which means: work during her stay with be more fun, my liver is going to cry and a happy sudden death to my diet. Yesterday was my day off and I spent it shopping for a Luna-dish, sitting on the floor and paper mache-ing my Halloween costume and falling asleep in a wine daze while watching "Battle Royale". I was struggling with some issues from the past yesterday.. The tricky thing about the end of a relationship, is the unavoidable breakup with the family. I miss them terribly, but I know its done, and everyone needs to move on. But merely knowing that more than obvious fact, doesn't make it any easier to let go..

Love, you're news to me, you're a little bit more than i thought you'd be..

2010-10-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

After sharing a home with someone for what seems like forever, I had expected that moving in on my own would turn me into a late night drinking, endlessly smoking, depressed little lonely girl - boy was I off! Don't get me wrong, the last 5 years of my life were stellar in their own way, and I lived my life and learned from my mistakes and will forever take my wisdom with me wherever I will go. But something happened in between my 2 week unintentional hunger strike and the day I put up fairy lights in my new home and danced around in floral dresses that greatly contributed to an unexpected surge of strength. Its like reading the book of my life while it is being re-written in front of my eyes, everyday exchanges like floating letters being printed as I go along.. me following the story as it unfolds, wide eyed, fueled by curiosity and strangely fascinated by my own unrealized fear.

I am asked, every day, how I am and the only real appropriate answer is a sly smile. I don't know how to define what I'm feeling and how I'm "surviving" this great change - It just is what it is. There are days when I miss the simplicity of grocery shopping for two, or even the ever popular anti-diet of staying in bed all weekend and ordering in for as many meals as possible - and in as many unhealthy ways as possible. But ultimately, the sheer joy I feel when I'm speeding through the wet streets on my bike, my ipod playing Goldfrapp, Regina Spektor or La Roux and my hair flying behind me is enough to make a girl wanna walk up to everyone and kiss them. Add to the mix the most amazing bunch of island girls, random potluck dinners, impromptu happy hour meet ups, an amazingly fun new job and the most wicked little corner in a two bedroom tree house and what we have here ladies and gentlemen, is a happy little single lady. So to all the suddenly single girls who have emailed me asking me: "How?", I say.. Buy yourself everything you have always wanted to put up in your space, decorate to your heart's desire, fill up your fridge with all things you love, buy as many candles as you can house, turn your new bed into your own private haven, buy yourself the most perfect key chain to add to your new keys, move in.. and sit on your deck, pour yourself a glass of wine, lean back, say goodbye to your heartache, a toast to your liberation and a big hello to the beginning of a beautiful new chapter..

♡♡♡♡♡

They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough

2010-10-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

wearing DIY bleached denim cutoffs, Zara tee, BF ruins neon wayfarers, RenegadeLovers Ma-long bag

What an insane week! I'm still dizzy from the overwhelming liquor flood (4pm Patron hots), the city sunrise, hours of rush hour shopping (while handcuffed to someone) and insane sleep deprivation.. the last 5 nights were just what I needed. Thank god I dressed comfortably every night I was out, boots & jeans are just a better option for running around the city after a few drinks - much easier to navigate than in stilettos and party dresses. Physically, my body is crying out for a self imposed liquor ban, but mentally the excess everything is what took care of my mental reset. Just keep the Patron away from me, please!

I seem to be spending so much time at the domestic airport, the guards already greet me by my first name. Weird. No wonder I'm always so broke.. what once was my shoe allowance turned into bikini allowance and now into my travel funds. Time to stay home and enjoy my new place! I'm staying put. Basta.

On the day of hangover #1 (out of 4) I somehow managed to find my way to the mall to meet my Ingrid and her hubby, and allowed them to stuff me full of steak, in order to get my brain going.. but it was really the food court beer that saved my life and revived my two brain cells. Clearly the old, curb hugging, squat popping, canned beer guzzling, cigarette hanging out of the corner of my mouth city slicker still lives deep inside of me.. Also, who knew you could spend so much money on buying things for a small bedroom? I never thought buying wire hangers, pillows, tupperwares and dish racks could be so much fun..

I will never know what had rot my heart it just came and went in the dark

2010-10-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

Photos by Hannah Bacalla

BTS & Makeup by Michael Chavez
wearing Forever 21 tank, Terranova leggings, Monikapolitan cat-eye sunnies

These are the last shots from my shoot with Hannah. The sunnies just deserved a little attention, that's all. You can get them at Monikapolitan for a steal, its ridiculous.

My eyelids are falling as I'm typing this. The last few days I managed to paint my (new) walls, buy little things for the new place and unpack most of the boxes. I love my little corner up in the tree house, and when I'm done with it, it will be my little haven, my little hiding place away from reality. Tomorrow I am heading to the city for a little work, and a little play. I miss my wifey and we have lots to catch up on. The island is bustlin' with the pre-season preparations, anticipation of Halloween and turning this little sleepy island into techno island yet again. Quite a few things going on for me this season - excitement, confusion and sheer terror are the main emotions ruling my thoughts these days.. so much change in so little time - I almost feel like a brand new person. My social calendar is figuratively overflowing and I'm not complaining.. I have spent so much time lately enjoying cheap red wine and pasta with friends, its become some kind of therapy session for me. Nothing heals a wounded soul like other pure souls who gather with you to share their strength.

I have been asked if I would start my own SATC style blog, now that I am back on the singles market, and I had to laugh. Writing about sex in NYC is one thing, but on this island? I think it would be much too easy to figure out who I was talking about, and lets face it, it would just end up being more like a gossip girl column.. although I have to admit, the prospect of having some kind of empowered female voice to pick apart the jerks publicly, is one filled with temptation.. But don't worry boys, maybe another time. This girl is too busy to kiss and tell.

PS: What were the good interior design blogs again?

♥

They'll name a city after us and later say it's all our fault

2010-09-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Photos by Hannah Bacalla

BTS & Makeup by Michael Chavez
wearing Terranova legging, Forever 21 tank, thrifted plaid shirt, Vintage brogues

Not really in the mood for a sum up of my week, so here's the poetry version.

"I imagine we both struggle, questions looming deep in our hearts
The whys, the whens and the hows of the world
My shoulders hunched, as if I could hide my heart so broken
Thoughts swimming, floating everywhere
A gaze cutting through the air like a knife
We are now in pieces, scattered all over, like lost words of a story that once was whole
I touch your back gently, my hands cold and numb, and feel you trembling in fear
Was it something we could have prevented?
Like a car crash into non-existence, hell bent on a mission of destruction
We were once so beautiful
Where were those airbags when we hit the wall?
Tainted and wounded we crawl into rooms of fleeting comforts
Killing hope at every corner, blind to what is, and convinced it isn't
I drink in your desire, you feed off my passion
But hands are tied, arrows poisoned by betrayal and laced with death
We are sinking into oblivion and nothing else exists
How did we get here, how did we do it, and how will the road end?
I reach out and touch your shattered soul, my energy draining out of me and into you
One day I will be able to say it was worth it, that I wouldn't have had it any other way
But for now all we are is broken, a million fragments of a story with no ending
A love so deep it can mend all wounds, and kill our spirits
Our fingertips touch, sparks fly and we say goodbye
Words floating, dancing in the air, bittersweet smiles
Heavy hearts grasping for hope, on a balmy night, two hearts break all over again.."

I'm too drunk to make any sense.

GOODBYE STALKERS & HACKERS

2010-09-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

You can never let your guard down, not even for a day, because then some psycho decides to come in and ruin what was supposed to be a great day. I really would like to know who has it in for me (although I have an idea..) that they would send me photos I do not need to see or emails I do not need to read and hack into my account only to delete my contacts. Thank god I have a back-up, but whoever it is out there who has nothing better to do than to butt into issues they aren't a part of, here are my two middle fingers high up in the air, and all the bad karma I could possibly send your way. Stick your badgering emails up where the sun don't shine, and call it a day. Some people actually have a life.. maybe its time for you to get one too.

Please update your mailing lists: renegadeloverrr@gmail.com

I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved

2010-09-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

Photos by Hannah Bacalla

BTS & Makeup by Michael Chavez
wearing Topshop ribbon tank, RenegadeLovers bandage skirt, Yves Identify jacket, SoulePhenomenon B&W wedges

Again, thank you for all the supportive feedback Ive been getting from all sides. I guess you never really realize how many people read your blog until you go through a breakup and end up with a flood of emails from your readers. Thank you thank you so much! I have gotten quite a few questions for the Vlog I have been planning, so hang in there for that. When I'm camera ready, I'm getting on it, promise!

Lately I have been spending a lot of my time with my girls, picking apart the lessons life has taught us.. I'm sure they are sick of hearing about my issues, but they continue to stand by me and listen to my incessant and probably pointless rantings - after all, they are quite possibly the most amazing bunch of females in my life. Girl power should not be underestimated. Melancholy still catches up with me from time to time.. but like I keep telling my other girlfriends who are going through the same thing; deal with the raw emotions, no matter how painful, but don't hang on to it. Let go, get out there, meet people and move on.. but don't go looking for a new love that will replace the gaping hole in your heart - that's just a recipe for disaster. You cant replace one with the other, but you can open yourself up to something new, something with the potential to turn into something so beautiful, it takes your breath away each time, but don't be in any rush. Take the time to learn to love yourself first, and everything else will follow. Just remember.. "Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together."

♥

Had no luck, but ain't it strange, the girl knew how to chop and change

2010-09-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

wearing People are People satin dress, LegLove by Kate Torralba stockings, vintage boots, Forever 21 knuckle ring

Last Friday we had a big "bondage" themed party at Juice Bar. One of the first times I actually stepped out in heels and one of my now favorite party dresses.. the result was ridiculous. There was lots of whipping and everyone was unleashing their inner freaks. I got my now ex-boy to get on his hands on knees so I could punish him appropriately.. he was a good sport and we all had a good laugh. At the end of the day, no matter how much people have hurt you in the past, if you think they are still worth offering your friendship to, I say screw what other people expect you to do, and just follow your heart. We still have things to sort out, post breakup, but the fact that we still hang out and respect each other, makes for a much less painful separation. I suggest you all try it before turning to more impulsive and potentially embarrassing behavior.

Regardless, change this drastic always brings on the mean reds or the dreaded blues.. I struggle between decisions, following the lead of my shattered heart and sometimes making painful wrong turns. We were all programmed to want an answer to everything, but some things just cannot be explained. I'm well aware of that, but it doesn't make letting go any easier. I have learned however, that I am stronger than I ever have been. My to do list is looking more like a bucket list at this point, and is growing longer by the hour. There is a silver lining to everything, and mine is my new found freedom, something I haven't experienced in a while, thinking only for myself, and not making decisions based on whats best for others. At my age, its both unnerving and exhilarating.. the liberation of the soul. Exquisitely excruciating yet beautifully burdensome. Am I even making sense? My romanticism is running away with my thoughts. In the end, if you can still wake up with a smile on your face, knowing what it is you are leaving behind, there is no need to fear the future.. because subconsciously, your heart has made plans for you already, you just aren't aware of it yet..

♥