She was a primal institution, she was a danger to herself yeah

Nouk Torsing by Djamel Boucly

I love absolutely everything about this editorial. The Alain Quilici shoes just about kill me.. and I have the most worrying hair envy. This is dangerous because I am known to start chopping hair off when the mood strikes. Luckily, I haven't actually had a hair boo-boo yet.. but these baby bangs are screaming at me to abandon my fresh resolution to stop fucking with my hair. My other resolution, by the way, is to stop cussing so much.

Looks like I might break both before January 1. 

How fucking typical.

Photo Source : Fashion Gone Rogue

You remember that you are yourself a light-bearer who receives her radicance from others

 [ Photos Source Tine K Home ]

I have sinned and strayed and cheated on my fashion - I'm addicted to interior design blogs. I spend my days glued to my macbook, deciding on fashion for my bed.. like skirts - and contemplating the difference between cherry and beech, and turning everything uncomfortably colorful into neutrals by spray-painting ruthlessly. 

I guess times have changed. My friends call it my nesting period.. I call it my post eat-love-pray "emotional rubble" clearing. It is the kind of time when "feeling at peace" tops all of my priority lists. Waking up with all fours stretched out on a queen sized bed, slowly rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and stumbling half awake towards my baby-blue refrigerator in my underwear, to half-hazardly fish out a bottle of water. 

These small, simple things, have become the absolute foundation to my finding healing for my battered warrior of a soul.

Pure content.

That, and of course the perma-love my girlfriends and I have for each other. 

Ain't no love like unconditional love. Y'all know who you are. ♥

Also, I'm pretty sure I need an orchid in my life. Just sayin.

Kenza Idrissi Couture

I'm blessed with many so obviously inspiring designer friends, allowing my fashion itch to be present at a constant.. I went to middle school with Kenza in Spain and was beyond delighted to find out that she also was under the same spell that possessed me to dive headfirst into the fashion industry. I was lucky enough to be able to attend one of her shows in Rabat, where she showed mostly her Gandouras in an array of colors and finished off with a jacket that I personally think could be worn with so many different stylish outfits. Can't wait until her next show at the end of the month.. Moroccan fashion is stunning and so feminine - and has started to breathe some life back into my forlorn design spirit..

[ www.kenzaidrissi.com ]

[ Kenza Idrissi Couture Facebook ]

But will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun..

There comes a time in all our lives when we have to re-evaluate the direction we are going. Most of the time, this all happens in our mid-twenties. Lately, I have been asking myself the same questions over and over again.. driving me to the brink of absolute insanity. My family has expectations, goals they have set for me. Marry, have a child, settle down.. give up my life. I cringe at the thought of it all. It seems the older I become, the more I know what I do NOT want out of life.

I, for instance, do not want to marry out of convenience, or because it is expected of me, I want to marry out of love. Undying, undeniable, head-over-heels, cant-live-without-you love. I want to never hold back my feelings, and run free, and live, most of all, I want to live. I don't want to fear mistakes I can learn from, I want to attempt the impossible and lose myself in my thoughts and daydreams. I want to change my mind, until I get it right, and then again, when I am bored. I want to travel and see and learn and laugh. But most of all, I want to fall in love, over and over again.. with places, and people.. and maybe the same one person. Over and over again.

Last night I was looking through the thousands of photos I have been tagged in on my FB account, and I felt my heart crumble. I didn't think I was going to get here so soon, but I miss my old life. I wouldn't want it back the way it was exactly, not now, not ever.. but I miss some of the experiences I was able to enjoy, and the people I was able to meet and come to love. I especially grieve for the loss of my kite-life.. it was good to me but was not a perfect fit once I grew a little older and maybe none the wiser at all. The times I stood on a podium, the costumes I wore, the beers I devoured and the winds I felt gushing through my hair.. People always say to me, "You are so lucky to have lived that life, and to be the person you are.. You are this.. that.." and I never see it. My heart is insatiable.. But I cant deny that the last 6 years have almost felt like a mini-movie. "The girl who danced barefoot and rarely slept." or something of the sorts.

I guess ultimately, change is good, change is necessary. We need change.
This is my attempt at embracing change. Complete with panic attacks, excessive drinking, denial, paranoia, plan-B-plottings, doubt, distractions, over-indulgence and lots and lots of sleepless nights.
Hey; they don't call it a quarter-life-crisis for nothing.

Photos by Allyssa Heuze who now has a blog ♥ [shot in the summer in Boracay - extra points for the one who can spot the big blurry lady ;) ]

PS: My Formspring is back up and running!

We were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days

I wish I knew how to make sense of life sometimes. Like a speeding bullet doing spirals around me, it is so hard to follow and even harder to control. I find myself stopping, shutting my eyes, trembling in fear, not knowing at which point I will be hit, but I cannot run from it, I cannot hide, it is there, it is crippling and it turns me into  a cowering mess of emotions. Life.

The only thing in life that is constant is change. You either sink or swim, but either way, you cannot stop the change. I crawl to the edge of reason, and peek over it, clutching to my sanity, praying I don't stumble and fall.. and lose myself completely. My heart is heavy, saying goodbye to places, people, habits, routines.. you learn to love what you have and then when it is gone, you wonder. Why?

It is a question you will ask yourself over and over again in life. You can choose to be ahead of the game and choose bravery and embrace all things that come your way. You can say, "I did my best.", wipe away your tears and start anew. Or you can let your blind refusal get the best of you.. we all have our ways of coping. Your heart will be heavy over and over again, but as long as you realize, that life is a constant cycle of change, you will see clearly, you will be prepared for every bit of change that comes your way, and you will find your way through that storm. You have to believe that you will find a rainbow at the end of it, because cliché or not, in my world of hurricanes, each and every time I have been swept away by the torrential rains and floods of my existence, I have always found my way out of the darkness, and back into the clarity of the light.