Colossal signs so I got lost, with so many lovers singing soft

 [Dane & Olga wearing Moroccan Gandouras by Kenza Idrissi Couture, www.kenzaidrissi.com]

It has always been a dream of mine to do a shoot in Moroccan fashion - who would have known I'd one day be in Morocco shooting for a lookbook.. there's something to check off my list! We wrapped the shoot in one afternoon, amidst a flurry of silk, curls and impossible-to-walk in high heels. What better place than Les Oudayas in Rabat to serve as a backdrop. The scenery is indescribable, and the clothes make you want to morph into something more deserving of its silhouette, like a goddess or a nymph. I was a bit nervous about doing the clothes the justice they deserve.. but after layers of black eyeliner and hours getting my mane curled into cork screws, one might actually be able to go as far as saying that I started to look a little bit like I could be Moroccan......

I know I have taken an unusually long break from blogging, but my god, where do I even start? It seems like the roller coasters have followed me even to North Africa. I'm not here to complain, but merely to acknowledge the brain salad of a message the universe is delivering me. My friends call it my "Eat, Pray, Love" phase, and tell me to go with the flow. But what when you have decided that you have eaten, prayed and even loved.. but that in the end you are left none the wiser? My girl Erica wrote a post a couple of years ago calling this phase "The Saturn Return", a period in your life reoccurring every roughly 28 years that serves as a time when you reflect on all things questionable in your life and as a turning point for everything in desperate need for a change. When she forwarded me the post, on a day when I was feeling particularly miserable, all sorts of lights went on as I made my way into the second paragraph. This was Me. Lost, tired and extremely vulnerable. I had already succumbed to the shortcut conclusion that maybe this was an "expected" consequence of (again) being suddenly single, and it hadn't occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, this was something that nearly all people at this stage of their lives begin to feel.

Suddenly I found the strength I was longing for, so badly. I made a big decision, one that I could possibly regret someday, but one that just feels right, right now. I realized, the pressures that we feel society imposes on us, are pressures that we magnify with our own insecurities and multiply by our frustrations. It's no wonder we can't see clearly through our own eyes, when we are clouded by our own misgivings. My main downfall is always that I listen more to what others think I should do with my life than what my heart tells me it wants. As a result, its like my own voice was reduced to a mere whisper, and drove me into a state where I had forgotten who I was, and where I, as an individual, belong.

So here we go, Saturn Return, let's lock horns, and get down to business. I am weary, but I am not afraid. And least of all, I am not broken. And I will push my way through this. And I will turn this unforgiving bull of a burden, into ashes.

Challenge, accepted.

She laughs like God, her mind's like a diamond

Before I left the Philippines, I wrapped up two last minute magazine shoots. This one for Mabuhay Magazine had all my friends, who have recently travelled on a Philippine Airlines flight, instagramming photos of the article and text me things like "You are everywhere!" or "Dude, this chick looks like you!". Here is the full feature. Doesn't the cover just make you wanna leave your job, sell your house and move to Palawan?! This article is making me so homesick right now.

Meanwhile, in (albeit) sunny Rabat, I am daydreaming of swimming, sun tans and a massive jug of Sangria. Two weeks to go until Marrakech. Booyaa.

But while I'm here, I shouldn't complain. My life hasn't exactly been of the uneventful sorts lately. 

If you know me well, you will know exactly what this means. hahha ;)

Thank you Anika Ventura from Mabuhay :)

Will you still love me tomorrow?

My first mobile post! My can't-live-without MacBook is at the shop do I have to grin and bear, meaning figure out a way to scratch this itch via iPhone. In a few days I'm getting on a plane and flying into wonderland.. I am a bag of nerves!!!

Today I shot a beauty editorial for Bridal Magazine. I am so not the 'bride type' and I'm honestly almost convinced I don't posess the bride gene. Nonetheless, working with my pseudo sister Erica is always something I'll get out of bed for. Especially because she knows me so well, that she already had the flowers ready to be inserted into my hairdo. And while the other two models were giggly and in love, I couldn't help but remark that maybe I could be "cynical bride", just to restore some balance in the world. Of course Erica, knowing me all too well, couldn't hide a giggle. But I think "grumpy bride" would have worked just as well.

♥

If I fall if I die, know I lived it till the fullest.. If I fall if I die, know I lived and missed some bullets..

Out of curiosity, when I saw a show on TV about Life Path Numbers, I googled mine and had to laugh at the result. It's either, these "numerologists" are absolute geniuses and the greatest liars in the world, or there is really something to it all. My number came out as 7 and these were the last two lines: 

"This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you."

I had to laugh of course, because I realized that it is one of the most accurate ways of describing me.. and man am I exhausted after having another day of lows. Sadly, I wasn't blessed with the virtue of patience, and nothing brings me down more than waiting for an eternity.. and then getting nothing. I guess it's all a matter of attitude, but it is also a very human trait to always want more. I get bored easily, and I want way too much for my own good. And nothing, nothing makes me spin out of control even more than being told that I should "be happy" because I have such a great life. Oh if only my brain would listen to me, because I know that my heart is more than willing to find happiness. 

Tomorrow the wind is supposed to start and I can feel my hands beginning to itch. All I know is, when I tested the newest kites when they arrived a couple of weeks ago, I could have cried, being overwhelmed by all the pent up emotions of the lat 5 months. Being in the city had its advantages, but I felt like in the end, it sucked the juice out of me, and the "home" I was looking for, I could not find. 

Maybe I demand too much from my life, but is it really so wrong to want variety, to seek adventure, to keep on dreaming? I know my life is far from normal. But maybe my way, is just my version of normal. And I'll be damned if I'll let anyone convince me that my version of normal is less valid than theirs..  

wearing ION bikini and boardshorts 

photos by Katia Kalyani

LOOK Magazine Anniversary Issue

Get a copy now!

I know I have no good excuse for being a lazy ass blogger, but believe me, I only do it to spare you the boring details of my turbulent mind. Its not like I don't have enough photos to post, so maybe I'll just go with less words for a while..

How is everyone in blogland? You are all very silent, but my post views speak volumes!

Bisouuus

A sigh digs you out when you're getting too deep

 There isn't much to say about a night shooting with 3 souls as creative as these girls. We were shooting for the anniversary issue of LOOK Magazine, and when we heard who else was going to be in the issue, Erica and I joked: "OH! So we MUST be the "creative" group" considering we were being bunched up with socialites and the like. It was great fun shooting with the LOOK team, I wolfed down pizza and buffalo wings while being chased around by my poor makeup artist who had to keep reapplying my lipstick, chit chatted with the ladies about how blogging brings the most unexpected changes into our lives and laughed until my cheeks started to hurt.. leading the photographer to helpless giggle at the whole scenario. I swear I am usually more professional than that, but when you shove me and Erica into a room full of lights and cameras and ask us to pose, there is no way I can contain a snigger here and there!

So yeah, life is still kicking my butt to be honest but my mood these days has been a tad better. I try to entertain myself with what I have, play silly computer games like Sims 3, watch old seasons on "How I Met Your Mother", eat lots and lots of instant noodles and daydream about the day when things will start looking up. Sometimes we forget how fortunate we still are, having the things we have, material or not, and its important to always remember that.. Its a struggle for someone of my state of mind sometimes, but I demand credit for trying! One has to be commended to trying..

The other night I attended the anniversary party of LOOK Magazine and I swear I have some photos of the fashion show.. next post, I promise! There was a new designer competition, with a 3 month scholarship in London as one of the prizes for the winner - to be honest I didn't agree with the chosen winner, but it was a great display of young local talent. If only I had that much patience to actually join a competition like that.. Seriously, why is it so hard for me to be inspired?

Vicky Herrera's blog is http://www.victoriaherrera.com/

Rachel Le Roux's blog is http://thecreativediaries.blogspot.com/

and Erica Paredes' blog is http://gourmetkitschen.tumblr.com/