I know I don't move very fast but I'm heading for the stars

There isn't an excuse in the book valid enough to explain why I've been such a terrible blogger. You guys sure you don't want me to just exit? I've only had enough energy left for Instagram.. Life just gets in the way sometimes.

The last few weeks have been like a roller coaster ride - the good kind. Still evidently single (for soon, a year) I'm taking advantage of my much needed alone time to get to know myself more. I realized how lost I had been in the past two and a half years, after my huge breakup drama, something that failed to register for the longest time, and it's such a relief to be able to breathe out after all this time and energy spent on all things negative.

These days, I find myself wanting to understand the simple things more. I am more aware of the true meaning of friendship, and investing more love in those who I just know will be around for longer than a weekend or two, and just that in itself has brought me so much happiness. Maybe it's turning yet another year older, but I can't help but continuously be grateful for how far I've come. I've turned into the dream machine that I had forgotten to be and borderline naive or not, I've decided to delay my return to reality.. Indefinitely.

These photos were taken by the most brilliant Jenna Genio for YStyle on Philippine Star. It is so rare for me to invite people into my home, my sanctuary and safe place, so here you go. I bought my vanity at a thrift shop, on a little adventure shopping spree with my most fave renegade stylist Carla Villanueva, and turned it into an almost shrine-like little spot by the window. Clearly I'm a big fan of skulls, flowers and crucifixes. I've also realized that my humble shoe collection needs a much awaited update.. And since I'm no longer moving around like a maniac, can that be my new excuse to go on a shoe-shopping frenzy?

Wearing a customized thrifted black leather skirt, Hanes bra, leather Converse kicks and a metal plated snapback from Bangkok

Thanks Sharon Soledad from Shu Uemura for my makeup!

Esmeralda

Full feature on stylebible.com

Thanks Jacque De Borja!

Now my foolish boat is leaning broken lovelorn on your rocks

Photos  by Inez Moro
Vintage one-piece, fur vest stolen from Carla

As already previously (and shamefully) admitted, I am probably the most inconsistent blogger-being ever created. A big part of my now crumbling pile of new-year's resolutions was that I would post more regularly, and I won't even bother trying to come up with a good excuse for my impossible laziness.. I have just been too caught up in my life. Which in my world, means, I have been holing myself up in my bat cave, refusing to deal with all things that make me uncomfortable, and denying myself reality.

Alas, after a little weekend escape into a private island towards the Pacific, I am back with an almost embarrassing amount of backlogs in my inbox.. These photos were taken a couple of weeks ago, when Inez and I decided that life is boring and that we must now find other ways to keep ourselves entertained in the most adult fashion we can manage. A.k.a. I bring over something resembling something that grows in bushes, smear on as much liquid liner as my eyelid can manage to host and we start clicking away in the confines of her 4 walls until I can pose no more. Et voila.

Of course I take it you too wear your swimsuits out in public, covered only by a flimsy fur vest.

Naturally.
 

Drink up baby, look at the stars, I'll kiss you again between the bars

 1. [ Yishion denim shorts and Yishion menswear cheetah tank ]

2. [ Yishion denim shorts and cut-out top ]

Last week, I, along with other local bloggers, was invited to the opening of YISHION, a Chinese clothing line. We were given a shopping budget, and assigned the task of styling our own looks and blogging about them. Instead of sticking to one outfit, as per usual, I colored outside the lines, and decided on two looks. When I first found the denim shorts, I wasn't quite sure the ruffles were something I would sport at my ripe old age, but after I tried them on and proceeded to remove the what I then realized were removable ruffles, I knew I had to have them. The tank top offered side-boob exposure, which made them a total no-brainer, and the loose cut-out top is something that begs to be worn on a daily basis. A big thank you and a woop to my friends at Yishion!

You can vote for this look by leaving a comment, if my wine-addled brain remembers correctly, but I'll keep you posted if I'm totally off..

So, this Christmas is officially a total life-ruiner. Only the promise of alcoholic beverages can pull me out of deep mourning, as three nights ago, my little baby cat was a little too curious for her own good and jumped out of my apartment window. I am in absolute agony over losing her, and have once and for all decided that I prefer animals to human beings. Which means, I am doing everything in my power to stay out of the malls, away from the hustle and the noise and in the comfort of my own four walls, but I am failing miserably.

So for now, it's all shopping until it starts to hurt less, dancing until dawn and spilling Champagne on everything in my vicinity, wearing too much red lipstick, trading meals for chocolate bars and occasionally having a nervous breakdown when a rare moment of sobriety kicks in. Life.

So come on honey cut yourself to pieces, come on honey give yourself completely

[ wearing YUMINUM Go Go Dolly bikini in fruity ]

 As a sign of protest, I will write the most un-christmas of all posts. The season of love and gift-giving has triggered only my yearly gag-reflex sensitivity, and my little personal hang-ups have been flaring up like there is no tomorrow. Which, given the "end-of-world" predictions, just leaves me shrugging and wallowing in whatevers.

Following a recent exceptionally harrowing fever, and an extended trip to the island I call home, days of self-imposed detox and lots and lots of sleep, I felt emotionally drained and surprisingly nostalgic and anti-social. I am like a lost baby bear constantly fighting off the un-ignorable desire to fall into a permanent winter slumber.. all this amplified by the news that my entire family will be spending the holidays in the snow, while I, yet again, will me missing in action. (cue ghastly violin music)

So I might not have snow this winter, but baby bear has new bikinis to play with, a kitten who has seemingly decided that she also wants to learn how to yoga and a hard drive full of new movies. Which on the other hand, might not be as great as it sounds.. Blake Lively's bad acting stopped me from completing "Savages" - and I normally go geeky over all things Oliver Stone. Oh, what am I talking about, the holidays suck big massive Christmas balls.

I'm gonna hit the ground running and go shopping. Retail therapy, be good to me..

You reel me out then you cut the string

[ wearing Dunnes tuxedo jacket, TopShop necklace ]

Photos by Allyssa Heuze

There are mornings when you don't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but on the wrong side of existence. Those are the mornings when the only option is to seek refuge in the warmth and darkness under your sheets. When the only thing your stomach can handle is a cigarette and a flood of tears. And when absolutely anything verbal thrown at you can quickly turn from comforting to soul-shattering. 

These are the mornings when everything around you feels like it is moving too fast, and you are caught in the middle, curled up into a ball, eyes forced shut in silent hysteria.

Last night I unintentionally revisited the past and was surprised by how raw and open to taunting my wounds still are. It hasn't really dawned on me until recently, that I had made the mistake of disregarding some of the pain I was feeling in the past, and how I have therefore shot myself in the leg by now having to allow myself to have my days taken over by this seemingly forgotten sadness. It is as if I had skipped the task and danced around the process in such a convincing manner, that I myself am taken aback by the intensity and alarmingly brutal resurrection of all those feelings I had tried to convince myself didn't exist. Now I stand here, puzzled, apprehensive and perplexed beyond words and I have but an idea of how to make any of it go away. The only seemingly obvious option is to wait and allow time to work its wonders. Oh what a vicious process this is all turning out to be….

It's just all so fucking infuriating.

"I'm not perky."

 [wearing Forever 21 skirt, Zara black shirt, the Landmark white shirt, DIY ribbon tie, B Club suede thigh-high boots]

Photos by Rich Sarto

For those who have followed my blog since the start, you are probably annoyingly aware of my penchant for all things Halloween and my borderline obsessive habit of acquiring or creating costumes for myself and others. As my first Halloween back in the city in YEARS (6) - I had to make sure it wasn't gonna be an excuse for me to slack off. And this time around, I had two parties to attend at PRIVE. Costume #1 was for the 27th.. so I saved the best for the 31st. I didn't wanna be cute, or sexy, I just wanted to be more like myself. And I wanted to see how much time (in %) I could spend in one night, fighting off a smile. It was much harder than I thought.. especially after a little Champagne and while dancing. YOU try dancing to hip hop while frowning. Go on, try it...........

Wednesday Addams is kind of a personal hero of mine. Small, sarcastic, sinister. And she was always impeccably dressed. The baddest. The best.

Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair. 

Pugsley: Why? 

Wednesday: So we can play a game. 

Pugsley: What game? 

Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?" 

You get my point. ♥

What were YOU this Halloween?

This here city is for the lonely ones, won't find no angels selling maps to the lost

[wearing Calvin Klein high waist cut-offs, TopShop zipper body, vintage polka-dot tunic, Centropelle platforms via Zalora.ph]

Things I learned this week.

• Bullet points are still fun.
• It's rained far too much.
• It might be time for a drastic hair change..
• Dr. Atkins' diet works.
• Team Miami Heat = rockstars.
• Hunter Parrish of Weeds is PRETTY.
• I miss speaking German.
• I'm way too picky for my own good.
• Sleeping all day is good stuff.

These photos were taken at Prive on yet another night of dancing.. the shoes are currently my favorite - I love them so much, I ordered them in black, only to get the wrong pair and to be told that the pair I want is not in stock anymore. I could cry! I might seriously have to re-think my love affair with shoes, and go back to strutting around barefoot. [insert spoiled frustrated whining]

Can you tell I have nothing valid to complain about? The skies are clearing..

This is hardcore and I'm indestructible

[photo by Jay Santos, taken at Privé Luxury Club, Fort Bonifacio]

I have to apologize for the long-running absences, but my life is such an unpredictable story at the moment. Three weeks ago, I moved back to the Philippines from beautiful Morocco and had quite a bit of personal drama to sort out. With a sigh of relief, let me give you a quick recap of all what's been up lately:

• (I have rediscovered the awesomeness that are bullet points)
• I need to stop speaking to Filipino taxi drivers in French.
• McDonald's 24-hour delivery is essential to city life.
• Malls give me panic-attacks.
• The 18th floor is a good place to call home.
• If you drink it every night, Champagne will no longer give you splitting headaches the day after.
• I'm perhaps not the "corporate" type. 
• If you cannot trust your friend, then he/she is not your friend. Simple.
• This song is, like, the awesomest song ever.
• I online-shop when I am hungover.
• I really want to make clothes again..
• Single life suits me - exclamation point !

I have been missing Morocco for so many reasons. At the end of the day, I never imagined that I would meet such amazing personalities in my 4-month-stint there. I learned French, how to enjoy a good bottle of Rose and that Friday is cous-cous day. I carry with me only love and good memories, and will always look back wanting to do it over again.

When I left for Morocco, I had no idea where I was going, what I was going to do and who I was. I was lost, hurt, and frustrated, constantly feeling like everything I invest in my relationships was ultimately for nothing. I realized that I was making the same mistake over and over again. I would love until I could love no more, and then I would love some more, until nothing was left to myself but scraps of an already battered heart. And when everything would turn sour, I couldn't find my way out of my darkness. With a series of ups and downs under my belt, I realized I had to make a change, before I would self-destruct to the point of no return. I now know, I can't change the way I love, I will always love to the point of madness, it's just how I am. But I can choose to take a deep breath and a big break from it all, and learn how to nurture my relationship with myself first. And maybe someday, somehow.. I'll be ready to be knocked off my high heels again. Maybe.

But until then, let's dance.

And if Cupid's got a gun, then he's shootin'..

[wearing Boom Sason Fashion LaMoss pants, neon tie-dye The Headware worn as tube top]

Apologies to all the unanswered emails! I have been so caught up in the now that I have had no time to breathe, let alone sleep. I just got back from Morocco a few days ago after 4 months of falling in love with the country and have been fighting my jetlag and heartaches with my boys Jose & Jack.. 5 days in Boracay should restore me to my better self and then I promise I will try to wake up my half-dead braincells by writing more. For more constant updates, follow me on Instagram [renegadelovers] and Tumblr [renegadeloverrr.tumblr.com]. 

Also, I finally have a Facebook page for the blog: 

Show me some lovin' ♥

Trust Me, It's Paradise

Kisses from gloomy Boracay! XOXO 

 PS: Thank you my lovely Xavier Ryan for the photos!

Colossal signs so I got lost, with so many lovers singing soft

 [Dane & Olga wearing Moroccan Gandouras by Kenza Idrissi Couture, www.kenzaidrissi.com]

It has always been a dream of mine to do a shoot in Moroccan fashion - who would have known I'd one day be in Morocco shooting for a lookbook.. there's something to check off my list! We wrapped the shoot in one afternoon, amidst a flurry of silk, curls and impossible-to-walk in high heels. What better place than Les Oudayas in Rabat to serve as a backdrop. The scenery is indescribable, and the clothes make you want to morph into something more deserving of its silhouette, like a goddess or a nymph. I was a bit nervous about doing the clothes the justice they deserve.. but after layers of black eyeliner and hours getting my mane curled into cork screws, one might actually be able to go as far as saying that I started to look a little bit like I could be Moroccan......

I know I have taken an unusually long break from blogging, but my god, where do I even start? It seems like the roller coasters have followed me even to North Africa. I'm not here to complain, but merely to acknowledge the brain salad of a message the universe is delivering me. My friends call it my "Eat, Pray, Love" phase, and tell me to go with the flow. But what when you have decided that you have eaten, prayed and even loved.. but that in the end you are left none the wiser? My girl Erica wrote a post a couple of years ago calling this phase "The Saturn Return", a period in your life reoccurring every roughly 28 years that serves as a time when you reflect on all things questionable in your life and as a turning point for everything in desperate need for a change. When she forwarded me the post, on a day when I was feeling particularly miserable, all sorts of lights went on as I made my way into the second paragraph. This was Me. Lost, tired and extremely vulnerable. I had already succumbed to the shortcut conclusion that maybe this was an "expected" consequence of (again) being suddenly single, and it hadn't occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, this was something that nearly all people at this stage of their lives begin to feel.

Suddenly I found the strength I was longing for, so badly. I made a big decision, one that I could possibly regret someday, but one that just feels right, right now. I realized, the pressures that we feel society imposes on us, are pressures that we magnify with our own insecurities and multiply by our frustrations. It's no wonder we can't see clearly through our own eyes, when we are clouded by our own misgivings. My main downfall is always that I listen more to what others think I should do with my life than what my heart tells me it wants. As a result, its like my own voice was reduced to a mere whisper, and drove me into a state where I had forgotten who I was, and where I, as an individual, belong.

So here we go, Saturn Return, let's lock horns, and get down to business. I am weary, but I am not afraid. And least of all, I am not broken. And I will push my way through this. And I will turn this unforgiving bull of a burden, into ashes.

Challenge, accepted.