Saturday, September 3, 2011

You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall

 Photos by Denise Tolentino (more photos on her blog)

If my absence has become blatantly obvious, I'd like to explain by saying, sometimes life brings you down to such a degree that words fail even an emotional writer like me. Everything becomes a kind of nothingness, a collection of feelings, thoughts and memories, but once I try to bring myself to vaguely verbalize a sickeningly simple summary of my life.. I draw a blank.

I wish tears could turn into words, maybe then I could find a less exhausting form of release. Quadruple shots of Rum at dinnertime isn't really doing much in making me forget, and the obviously excruciating "same time, same place" last year recollections are enough to drive one to the brink of all things bad. I guess I have somewhat accepted that I just am one of those people.. I feel everything with such intensity that the simplest emotions become a ride to hell, or heaven for that matter. No matter how hard I try, nothing can be suppressed into something more bearable.. if its happy, its a blindingly bright happy.. if its a sad, its the gateway to the longest tumble down a cliff. Such is life, when you are walking in these shoes of mine.

They do say, "Enjoy life to the fullest." What's that all about anyway? Does this mean I am halfway on the right track? Sometimes it seems like the only way to survive this eternal weather change is to lock one's heart away, never fall, never care, and therefore never cry? Is being jaded and withholding the only way one can be assured that we don't get plowed over by all our emotions? I envy those who can be indifferent and cold.. maybe they have it all figured out, instead of playing a sad copy of Sylvia Plath's persona, chasing one momentary high after another and crashing all the way to the bottom of the universe each time around. My girl friend says, we are addicted to pain. Could it be true? But if I was so addicted to it, why do I wish for the world to end each time I have to succumb to it?

I'm so tired I just want to stay asleep.

11 comments:

Bren said...

Dane, life really is a struggle. And it is a funny thing because we tend to struggle with ourselves the most.

I am one of those indifferent and cold people that you speak about. I've been through hell before and I survived to speak about it. What currently helps me also is my job in social work. Helping the less fortunate makes my life seem more easy compared to theirs. I work with mental health/mental retardation patients. They struggle and suffer, while I and people close to me are only struggling. It's weird how God or a higher being puts us through ironic situations.

Hope you make it out strong, chica!

daisychain said...

sending all the love in the world x

Kristina said...

Life is not only happiness and harmony, there are such periods like yours, where struggle is inevitable. Feeling sad about it is normal, memories can bring you down sometimes, just don't try to supress it because human beings feel emotions and that is the most natural thing you can do.
Feel it, live it, pass it on. :)
Kisses and hugs from me :)

Eden said...

you know i'm always here for you. anytime, i'm just a text or chat away. love and miss ya! stay strong just the way you always are.


xx
eden

T like BubbleTea said...

Hey DJ we were in aloha years ago. Have been meaning to comment for ages but never got round. I always have this crazy emotional rollercoasters as well. One day things are ok other days I want to dissapear and just stay asleep. The world is so complicated and confusing. It's incredible how you give your thoughts a voice, I am always scared to write about my emotions on my blog, they are too dark and raw. Your voice is inspiring and it makes me feel like maybe it's ok to feel so polarized from one day to another.

wowie said...

tomorrow's another day, danielle. you'll see ... :)

Anonymous said...

praying for you...

djeneba faye said...

i'm just a stranger, reading your blog and i loooooove all of your photos and words and you are beautiful. It may be a cliche but there are a lot of other things to be happy and be thankful for. Sending you love and good vibes! :)

Sara Martin Blanco said...

never become cold to the world. we are fiery, and that's the way we should stay, always. blow on the embers, keep the fire going.

Ro said...

wow those pictures are beautiful!!!

ms said...

miss your blog. cheer up, there's always ups and downs :)