Photos by Denise Tolentino (more photos on her blog)
If my absence has become blatantly obvious, I'd like to explain by saying, sometimes life brings you down to such a degree that words fail even an emotional writer like me. Everything becomes a kind of nothingness, a collection of feelings, thoughts and memories, but once I try to bring myself to vaguely verbalize a sickeningly simple summary of my life.. I draw a blank.
I wish tears could turn into words, maybe then I could find a less exhausting form of release. Quadruple shots of Rum at dinnertime isn't really doing much in making me forget, and the obviously excruciating "same time, same place" last year recollections are enough to drive one to the brink of all things bad. I guess I have somewhat accepted that I just am one of those people.. I feel everything with such intensity that the simplest emotions become a ride to hell, or heaven for that matter. No matter how hard I try, nothing can be suppressed into something more bearable.. if its happy, its a blindingly bright happy.. if its a sad, its the gateway to the longest tumble down a cliff. Such is life, when you are walking in these shoes of mine.
They do say, "Enjoy life to the fullest." What's that all about anyway? Does this mean I am halfway on the right track? Sometimes it seems like the only way to survive this eternal weather change is to lock one's heart away, never fall, never care, and therefore never cry? Is being jaded and withholding the only way one can be assured that we don't get plowed over by all our emotions? I envy those who can be indifferent and cold.. maybe they have it all figured out, instead of playing a sad copy of Sylvia Plath's persona, chasing one momentary high after another and crashing all the way to the bottom of the universe each time around. My girl friend says, we are addicted to pain. Could it be true? But if I was so addicted to it, why do I wish for the world to end each time I have to succumb to it?
I'm so tired I just want to stay asleep.