I will never know what had rot my heart it just came and went in the dark

Photos by Hannah Bacalla

BTS & Makeup by Michael Chavez
wearing Forever 21 tank, Terranova leggings, Monikapolitan cat-eye sunnies

These are the last shots from my shoot with Hannah. The sunnies just deserved a little attention, that's all. You can get them at Monikapolitan for a steal, its ridiculous.

My eyelids are falling as I'm typing this. The last few days I managed to paint my (new) walls, buy little things for the new place and unpack most of the boxes. I love my little corner up in the tree house, and when I'm done with it, it will be my little haven, my little hiding place away from reality. Tomorrow I am heading to the city for a little work, and a little play. I miss my wifey and we have lots to catch up on. The island is bustlin' with the pre-season preparations, anticipation of Halloween and turning this little sleepy island into techno island yet again. Quite a few things going on for me this season - excitement, confusion and sheer terror are the main emotions ruling my thoughts these days.. so much change in so little time - I almost feel like a brand new person. My social calendar is figuratively overflowing and I'm not complaining.. I have spent so much time lately enjoying cheap red wine and pasta with friends, its become some kind of therapy session for me. Nothing heals a wounded soul like other pure souls who gather with you to share their strength.

I have been asked if I would start my own SATC style blog, now that I am back on the singles market, and I had to laugh. Writing about sex in NYC is one thing, but on this island? I think it would be much too easy to figure out who I was talking about, and lets face it, it would just end up being more like a gossip girl column.. although I have to admit, the prospect of having some kind of empowered female voice to pick apart the jerks publicly, is one filled with temptation.. But don't worry boys, maybe another time. This girl is too busy to kiss and tell.

PS: What were the good interior design blogs again?

♥

I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved

Photos by Hannah Bacalla

BTS & Makeup by Michael Chavez
wearing Topshop ribbon tank, RenegadeLovers bandage skirt, Yves Identify jacket, SoulePhenomenon B&W wedges

Again, thank you for all the supportive feedback Ive been getting from all sides. I guess you never really realize how many people read your blog until you go through a breakup and end up with a flood of emails from your readers. Thank you thank you so much! I have gotten quite a few questions for the Vlog I have been planning, so hang in there for that. When I'm camera ready, I'm getting on it, promise!

Lately I have been spending a lot of my time with my girls, picking apart the lessons life has taught us.. I'm sure they are sick of hearing about my issues, but they continue to stand by me and listen to my incessant and probably pointless rantings - after all, they are quite possibly the most amazing bunch of females in my life. Girl power should not be underestimated. Melancholy still catches up with me from time to time.. but like I keep telling my other girlfriends who are going through the same thing; deal with the raw emotions, no matter how painful, but don't hang on to it. Let go, get out there, meet people and move on.. but don't go looking for a new love that will replace the gaping hole in your heart - that's just a recipe for disaster. You cant replace one with the other, but you can open yourself up to something new, something with the potential to turn into something so beautiful, it takes your breath away each time, but don't be in any rush. Take the time to learn to love yourself first, and everything else will follow. Just remember.. "Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together."

♥

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine

Photos by Hannah Bacalla

BTS by Michael Chavez
wearing Mango cut offs, TopMan tee, vintage jacket + boots

To all my readers who have written emails of concern to me, thank you. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have a battalion of hearts behind mine, offering words of wisdom or virtual hugs. You are all so damn amazing. Will do blog rounds soon!

Single life is turning out to be rather interesting. In the last week, I have met some incredible people, and spent lots of quality time with myself. I realize that in the last few years, I had really lost myself in what I thought was the life I wanted and was ready for, which makes no sense. I committed when I was 21, that's far too young for a serious relationship. Its what our culture here teaches us. My mother had me when she was 20, so naturally, as soon as I surpassed that age, the topic of grand children kept coming up. I love kids, but drowning in dirty diapers is really not the way I imagined my 20's to be.

I'm heading home to the island in a couple of days to get started on some of the changes that need to be made there. Its going to be quite emotional, sorting through boxes of stuff, separating personal belongings and moving into separate places, but its also very intriguingly exciting. The upcoming season is always an eventful one, so there definitely will be no time for loneliness. I'm going to keep the blog, but bear with me, my appetite for fashion has stalled and been replaced with over thought philosophies about love and life.. But I promise you, disastrous dates and awkward advances can add just as much spice to a blog. Stay posted ;)

More photos from Hannah - climbing around on rusty trucks and jumping off and risking ankle breakage - I'm a total daredevil, I know.

OH and PS: Thinking about doing my first VLOG ♥ so bring on the questions!

♥

And then came the rush of the flood stars of night turned deep to dust

Photos by Hannah Bacalla

BTS by Michael Chavez
wearing vintage skirt, old tee, Parisian wedges

Before I left Cebu, I squeezed in a last minute shoot with the most amazing Hannah. All we did was run around the industrial area and laugh our asses off. I wore an amazing skirt.. high waisted skirts really rock my fashion world as opposed to high waisted jeans, which just look wrong on me. We ran around a bit and she tried to capture a photo where it didn't look like I was hanging out under the noon sun and fighting the wind at the same time. Its always such a delight to shoot with her, so uncomplicated and easy. This is the first in a series of 4.

I'm still in a state of shock, so my writing will probably stay tainted by my grief for a while. This retrograde clearly has it in for me, because I'm just getting one shit storm after another handed to me. Love has been an ongoing topic in my head, usually accompanied by a giant question mark at the end. Love makes everything more tragic, beautiful, interesting, painful. Love can destroy you in seconds, but it can also save your life. People tell me to move on, meet new guys, like that will help heal a broken heart. I always thought I was afraid of being alone, but it isn't me who lives with that fear, its those who jump from one relationship to the next, often overlapping, only having the courage to leave when they have found a replacement, leaving behind them a wake of broken hearts, lies and self-doubt. In an episode of Sex and the City, the question was once asked; When two people part, where does the love go? Does it dive off a cliff? Is it transferred to the next person? Does it linger? Do we bury it deep in our hearts and keep it there forever? Or does it ultimately blacken and turn into hate? One love cannot be replaced by another, just like people cant be replaced.. its never the same. The love always remains somehow. All we can do is keep on truckin', self-convinced and determined to find love again.

So why do I still feel so lost?

I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony

wearing vintage maxi skirt & pin striped blazer, Aldo pumps, vintage Chanel bag

I'm in love with maxi skirts.. they are the best thing ever invented. I would trade in my ridiculous shoe collection for a truck load of these, and I love how they can be dressed up with a sharp blazer or an embellished cardigan, or dressed down with a t-shirt. I wore this to mass yesterday.. it was my Dad's death anniversary. I miss him terribly ♥

Hectic doesn't even begin to describe the last few days.. I made a last minute decision to get on a plane back to Boracay. I didn't realize I had been here for two months already, can you imagine? I have gotten so attached to my new Cebu friends, I'm going to be a little depressed when I leave, but I'm also beyond excited to see my island family again. The little get together Eden planned for tonight should help soothe my pain of leaving.. I'm looking forward to one last time of sitting on floors and downing shots of something that will guarantee me a head ache the next day.. we bought a big bottle of whiskey and I'm already nervously shaking at the thought of breaking it open.. my sickness rendered me sober for much too long!

PS: I'm super excited for my shoot with the most amazing Hannah Bacalla today!

And to think it was all just a dream, one fantastic hallucination

wearing RenegadeLovers maxi skirt, Mango top, thrifted & DIY acid wash vest, RenegadeLovers bag, Parisian wedges

I know you hard core fashion bloggers are not into flip flops.. but I cant live without them.. You can never have enough pairs, I say. I finally made it to a Make you own Havaianas event! There were so many colors available it made me dizzy.. I finally settled for a modest purple sole with a gold strap, since I'm going through a barney phase, and I chose a peace pin and a turtle pin. Its my nickname for the boy ;)

I was going to wear a floral dress but I figured since my black maxi skirt hasn't had any airtime yet, I would whip her out and parade her around a little. I made it before I left the island, and it is the most comfortable thing ever. It beats jeans in comfort and goes with everything in my opinion, although best with a slinky tank top and a sick bra. I'm seriously thinking about making these for the shop..

I'm still sick and on meds for another week.. But I'm seriously going loopy. I'm not used to this much rest. To console myself, I am tracking down a tattoo parlor in this town, and getting inked. Let your freak flag fly, I say ♥

[Thank you Kristine for the outfit shots! ♥]

Heaven can wait and hell's too far to go

Mango neon jeans, thrifted black V-neck, vintage men's brogues, RenegadeLovers clutch, Trunnk necklace

I finally made it out of the house and back in one piece.. a not so quick trip to the salon to get my girl Dottie a haircut and myself a wash-n-blowdry, I'm pretty amazed at how long my hair has gotten. With my center part, I look like a preppy 17 year old, out for trouble. Shmexy. I finally got to watch "La Vie En Rose" tonight and WOW can I just say, Marion Cotillard is magnificent. I could feel her pain and then in the finale, where she sings "Non, je ne regrette rien", the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and I wanted to weep. It was beautiful.. I'm a huge Edith Piaf fan, and if you are too, you absolutely must watch this movie. One of the best biopics Ive seen..

Before I get carried away and start bawling like an emotional heap of a mess, let me explain why I have neon jeans in my closet.. I blame it on my mom. I would never buy womens jeans this bright, but seriously they are the most comfortable pair I own, and are continuing to grow on me. Yay, mom! The brogues were a happy find at a local thrift store, and they may also double as golf shoes.. go on, judge me, they are fabulous.. just stay away from the slippery or you'll break your face. Hahha. These photos were taken the night before I left for Manila..

I'm still sick, but determined, so if all you have for me is a pocket of judgements, spare yourself the energy. For tomorrow, I shall have me some whiskey.. but not before I attend my first ever MYOH. So excited, man! ♥

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small.

I hate being this sick. I'm a complete wreck and I need a hug.. badly. Not much left for me to do but to stick to my medicinal cocktails, continue to overdose on vitamins, rub Vicks all over myself and hide under the sheets. I'm digging deep into my psychedelic movie collection, but not before I seek refuge in the world of Don Draper's infidelities.. Mad Men season 3 is my only reason for staying awake right now.

I got my voice back thank god, but I still sound like a chain smoking version of Daisy Duck. Picture that.

x

Our veins are thin, our rivers poisoned, we want the sweet meat, we want the young blood..

When Hannah suggested we do a shoot while I was in town, I knew I couldn't say no. One day I caught myself gazing at Brian M. Viveros' work in a mesmerized daze, I had to suggest we try something inspired by it. Perfect for the mood I'm in nowadays, sick of the pretty pretty and craving for the bloody and radical.. all this fake blood was morbidly fun to play with. It was such a joy shooting with her, she is amazingly professional and prepared, and it was all over in a jiffy, we didn't have to use too many frames. My boy Michael Chavez did the makeup, in his usual spectacular fashion.. and he even let me keep my insane eyelashes. Thank you Eden for taking over the BTS.. you are amazeballs ♥

The end result is on Hannah's blog.

♥

If i give you sugar, will you give me something elusive and temporary

wearing thrifted tunic, vintage boots, RenegadeLovers bag

There are few things in life I love more than frozen yogurt and the smell of coffee, so naturally I could never miss the opening of a coffee shop that serves both.. and is named "Coffee Cat". If you are in Cebu and love yourself a cup of amazing, its located in I.T. park.. Meow. ♥

I don't see my girl Eden as often as I used to, because lately she's been busy snogging her boyfriend all over town. Can you blame the girl? They re adorable together. As for me, my life still seems to be taking place on top of a roller coaster ride. Most of the time, I can handle the bumps, except for when I forget to fasten my seat belt and am sent flying. A good example would be my pathetic fall - nay - dive off the nicotine wagon. Ive tossed my main man Jack aside for a healthy try at a new romance with the Marlboro man. You cant really judge me.. he cant be any more dangerous to my being than all the other men in my life.. Ultimately one of them is going to be to blame for my downfall. I can feel it in my toes.

Melancholy and sickening emo-ness aside, I'm going somewhere in a few days to cure my island fever.. I'm getting myself geared up for lots of brain dancing, space Ibiza style revelry and big massive hangover induced regrets.. Yay me ♥