Wednesday, November 17, 2010

For so bare is my heart, I can't hide.. and so where does my heart, belong..

They say, "When it rains, it pours."
Well folks. My life is beginning to resemble a natural disaster. While partying with a trio of drunk care bears, I received news of the passing of my stepfather. Those who know a little about my past are aware of my tumultuous upbringing - nonetheless, he was a father figure to me, and I will miss him and treasure the few great childhood memories I have allowed myself to remember. I have always fought to protect my family from any trials, and if there was a way for me to suffer through all the pain for them, I would do it without blinking an eye.. so the level of helplessness I am feeling right now is enough to break my spirit continuously, and on an hourly basis. I haven't cried since the night I have received the news, its like the tears wont come.. like Ive finally run out. After months of crying over a broken heart, a failed relationship, a sudden death, financial dilemmas and missing my family, mercilessly followed by bouts of depression, self-doubt, anxiety and blatant fear - this family tragedy serves as an unnecessary proverbial cherry on top. One more reason for me to wish for 2010 to be officially over.

Ive reached a point, where I have run out of straws to grasp at. I have decided to stop taking the wheel, and to let life drive me for a while. I'm absolutely debilitated. I have turned to Xanax for a little help, so I end up somewhat breezing through my days without the risk of feeling too much. I can feel my exterior crumbling, while those close to me struggle to put me back together piece by piece. Without them, I would descend back into that black hole.. right now I'm just floating.. and hoping that all the good changes and love will be powerful enough to defeat the seemingly never ending heartbreaks..

PS: Some photos courtesy of Christine San Diego, the rest are mine.. [photobooth much?]


Teeyah. said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your stepdad, Dane :( And I'm praying things to get better for you.

Beautiful shots, BTW. My heart did little jumps every after photo.

daisychain said...

These are beautiful photos.

I'm so sorry your having such a hard time of things right now.
I wish I had more to offer than my thoughts, and virtual cuddles.


Bren said...

Dane, sorry for your loss. I hope you can make it through safely.

KD faustino said...

ahh boracay, i miss the sand between my toes! now it's just snow :(

condolences too, dane.

Ellen ♥ said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. I am sure your father is happy for you and proud of you. :)

John said...

Snap out of it already!

Rosa&Carlotta said...

these pictures are so beautiful!
I'd love to try that mango :)

Check out our fashion illustrations at ! = )


Sonya said...

I just wanted to post something like "wow, you must have the best life ever" when I went through this pics but then I started reading :( I am so sorry and I hope 2011 will be a better year for you. xoxo

ediot said...

im sad to hear about this. take care darling.
thanks for sharing these stunning photos. i adore cats. and mango. and you're in my thought dear.

kenna said...

This is really beautiful,, all the photos are.

Kenna said...

Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional - Buddha
as cliche sounding as it may be, everything's gonna be ok ....
love love love love ♥ dane
sorry - Kenna

Miss Kiki Lovelace said...

im sorry for the loss, Dane. x

i follow your blog regularly and you are such an admirable woman. keep strong, girl! you can do this. :)


condolences :( i hope everything will be fine soon. Ask his'll never go wrong. take care

TheAofDNA said...

I just finished a prayer for you and your family and I truly hope that you keep strong through the hard times.

There will always be trying times in our life, but always know that time always heals, its just how fast you want it to. You have been blessed to have family and friends that love you, care for you, and even strangers like me to pray for you. You'll be good girl, just try to do things that make you happy...and imho I'd lay off the xanex. just keepin' it real.

I have much love for you even though I don't even know you.

..and if you'd ever want to tear your heart out to a stranger and hopefully not feel weird about it. haha. feel free to e-mail me:

con amor,


Roan said...

I also just recently lost my mother and I find myself crying on random moments.

Condolences :(

The Explosive Orange

Chanelle said...

I hope you feel better won't be like this forever, babe, keep your chin up and you'll make it through.

Tona said...

amazing pictures, love that kitten!