Sunday, July 24, 2011

But will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun..

There comes a time in all our lives when we have to re-evaluate the direction we are going. Most of the time, this all happens in our mid-twenties. Lately, I have been asking myself the same questions over and over again.. driving me to the brink of absolute insanity. My family has expectations, goals they have set for me. Marry, have a child, settle down.. give up my life. I cringe at the thought of it all. It seems the older I become, the more I know what I do NOT want out of life.

I, for instance, do not want to marry out of convenience, or because it is expected of me, I want to marry out of love. Undying, undeniable, head-over-heels, cant-live-without-you love. I want to never hold back my feelings, and run free, and live, most of all, I want to live. I don't want to fear mistakes I can learn from, I want to attempt the impossible and lose myself in my thoughts and daydreams. I want to change my mind, until I get it right, and then again, when I am bored. I want to travel and see and learn and laugh. But most of all, I want to fall in love, over and over again.. with places, and people.. and maybe the same one person. Over and over again.

Last night I was looking through the thousands of photos I have been tagged in on my FB account, and I felt my heart crumble. I didn't think I was going to get here so soon, but I miss my old life. I wouldn't want it back the way it was exactly, not now, not ever.. but I miss some of the experiences I was able to enjoy, and the people I was able to meet and come to love. I especially grieve for the loss of my kite-life.. it was good to me but was not a perfect fit once I grew a little older and maybe none the wiser at all. The times I stood on a podium, the costumes I wore, the beers I devoured and the winds I felt gushing through my hair.. People always say to me, "You are so lucky to have lived that life, and to be the person you are.. You are this.. that.." and I never see it. My heart is insatiable.. But I cant deny that the last 6 years have almost felt like a mini-movie. "The girl who danced barefoot and rarely slept." or something of the sorts.

I guess ultimately, change is good, change is necessary. We need change.
This is my attempt at embracing change. Complete with panic attacks, excessive drinking, denial, paranoia, plan-B-plottings, doubt, distractions, over-indulgence and lots and lots of sleepless nights.
Hey; they don't call it a quarter-life-crisis for nothing.

Photos by Allyssa Heuze who now has a blog [shot in the summer in Boracay - extra points for the one who can spot the big blurry lady ;) ]

PS: My Formspring is back up and running!


KD faustino said...

Absolutely in looooooooove with these photos!! Change is good :)

Anonymous said...

Very poignant and inspiring my love, it's all part of maturity and the mid-twenties defo is one confusing stage. Leaving all inhibitions of the carefree years and facing towards adulthood of such mundane responsibilities... yet, finding oneself can take an eternity! You're already there, u just don't know it yet,,,and knowing already what you 'DO NOT' want now is significant and vital to keep your soul through this lifetime of change!!

Time is endless and life is priceless but once! Stay blessed, free-spirited and keep your sensibility with a sensible horizon (focused) and most of all: stay happy... <3

Melai said...

I agree with the previous commenter when he/she said that this post is poignant and inspiring. Your reflective state is something that everyone goes through in each of their lives. And because we're all humans, emotions like this connect us at an instant.

I wish that you live the life you without you thinking about the world. The best way to live life is without rules :)

Melai of Style and Soul

Pauline said...

loved this post :) i just graduated and i feel like life's getting so scary at the same time exciting. i draw inspiration from your words-- yes, i too do not want to settle just for anything, just for expectations, just for convenience. life is too short! cheers to change! cheers to new life adventures <3

Pauline said...

ooh, and i love love love that song, especially amy winehouse's cover

T.A. said...

beautiful photos :)

Archer said...

you have a gift of inspiring people with your writing Dane. I particularly love this post! and these photos are amazing... the 9th photo's my fave! and yes, i spotted that big lady rocking her two-piece swimsuit! how many points do i get?! lol

Raspberry & Rouge said...

I hear ya! Absolutely the same phase I am in right now! Great photos! XO Rebecca

Christina said...

It takes guts to disappoint others just so you could follow your dreams and be true to yourself. It's always down to our own choices. Change is good.

You have very lovely lips. <3